I've had a rather stressful couple of weeks. Busy as always, doing too much, taking on the world, looking out for everyone else but myself. Despite the promises I made that this year would be different...I am who I am and change like this takes time. I have made progress but some days I take two steps back.
Brennan and I got the flu this week. He was in the hospital (McMaster) a year ago for an infection in his lymph nodes and I still struggle when he is sick. I become very anxious and suffer with panic attacks if someone else isn't with me to take care of him, especially at night. I worry about not getting enough sleep to be in the right frame of mind to care for my son and when I'm sick too, well the world could be ending as far as my brain is concerned. There's no way out of it, once that panic starts. No deep breathing or rationalizing or talking can help. My kind and hopefully not sick now cousin came to stay overnight so I could sleep. Thank you to her for making that night (which thankfully turned out to be uneventful) bearable.
And to add to it, then I get stressed about missing work. I hate being away. The control freak in me takes over and I also feel guilty for not being there for the kids and my teaching partners. Not that it would really matter if I were there or not, they do what they do regardless. Still I fret.
During these times I am fully aware that life could and is often worse. I marvel at how a friend stays so incredibly strong as her two-year old undergoes treatment for cancer. My kid just had the flu. Anxiety is funny that way. No rhyme or reason. Those neurotransmitters don't care what makes sense. It's often hard for others to understand. Steve will say, "I don't get what you're stressed about. He's fine." To live with a brain that worked like that! He is incredibly supportive and I'm sure on some days wants to send me packing to the looney bin and then burn all of my to-do lists! If you've never experienced anxiety on more than a 'where's my wallet?' basis, it's very difficult to relate.
Steve reminded me that I do too much and no wonder I'm sick. Time to lay off the extras for a while and focus on what's most important. He said something interesting..."All I HAVE to do is go to work." He asked why I felt guilty when I did things for myself and why couldn't I just sit on the couch and relax. I didn't have an answer. I'm not sure why I feel guilty. I don't know why I measure my days' success by how much I've done and what I did or didn't cross off the stupid list. It's just not me. It sounds nice though.
But tonight, Brennan and I switched it up a bit. No laundry, no dishes, no groceries or errands. We came home, had some more bland food just in case, and we played. We played cars, trains, blocks, and Mr. Potato Head. We coloured and drew comumums (triangles for those of you who don't speak Brennan). We had snacks and a bubble bath where we learned about rectangles. We read Christmas books and then watched Elmo. Brennan likes getting a massage before bed now. Every night, he rolls over and says, "Nigh nigh Mommy". It's a close second to the greatest part of my day, when I pick him up from daycare.
Interesting thing about tonight: no temper tantrums. No "NO" screaming. No taking away the precious cars because he refuses to let me change his diaper. It was just us with our blankies on the couch watching Mommy's team beat Daddy's team in the last few seconds. Brennan learning to chant, "Go Dallas Go" and "Boo Miami". We had fun. Easy, laughing, stress-free fun. I felt relaxed and happy.
The only thing missing was Steve. He was busy at work signing his full-time papers that he's waited years for! We are very proud of him for sticking it out during the recession and for driving an hour and a half to and then from work every day to support our family. Brennan is fortunate to have a great dad like Steve. He takes care of us and makes us laugh and teaches us new things every day. Things like how to read the weather and how to make sandcastles and how to relax and how to have fun. It's not our Thanksgiving, but we'll borrow the American one to say we are thankful for our health and for our family.
