I Get in my Car

One of the hallmarks of having an anxiety disorder is constant irrational fear. Fear of things and situations that are often ordinary and non-threatening. It doesn't make any sense to the person experiencing the panic any more than it does to onlookers. Anxiety and fear are in and of themselves natural and healthy in order for us to avoid dangerous situations. I have a fear of flying - not in the we're going to crash sort of way, but in the what-if-they-lose-my-luggage sort of way. I'm not kidding - perish in a plane crash? Sure, as long as I have my luggage. I don't know what it is with parting with my suitcase that makes me feel this way. The only theory I've come up with over the years of therapy is that it is a control thing. Everything in the suitcase would be replaceable wherever that plane flew me to (if there were room on my credit card!) but that still doesn't matter to me. I would rather buy my suitcase it's own plane ticket than check it in baggage claim. Hence why we're likely driving to Florida this summer.

On Friday when the lives of 26 innocent people were taken by a man with 3 loaded guns, many parents hugged their children tighter and prayed for the families who lost their loved ones in such a malicious way. Anticipating and possibly escalating fear, our local newspaper ran an article about how our two school boards are working to keep students safe by ensuring all doors are locked throughout the day and having a video entry system where the secretary has to buzz visitors in.

The reality is...the man blew the door open with his gun. No lock or buzz entry system is going to withstand bullets. This disturbing act of violence is not limited to schools either. Terrible things happen all over every single day. There are no guarantees in life. When I would pose my frantic 'what if this happens?!?!?!' scenarios to my therapist, she would say, "You could also get in a car accident at any time but you still get in your car and drive it anyway." And she's right.

Knowing what it is like to live in constant fear, I can say that it is no way to truly live. It is not healthy or productive. It does not foster trust or confidence in children. It interferes with healthy relationships. So if I could offer one unsolicited piece of advice to those feeling like our society has hit an all-time low and that maybe home schooling would be a better option given the incredible number of violent incidents in our schools, it would be this: the probability of something like Friday happening is very small. The number of days that go by without a mass murder of children far outnumbers the horrific days where it does. Without minimizing what happened, it is important not to overgeneralize. Know that, yes this could happen. Unbelievable that it could, but hold on to the high probability that it won't.

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I read this blog post today http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.ca/2012/12/thinking-unthinkable.html  and it was one of the most riveting pieces I have read in a long time. Having taught a behaviour class, I experienced first hand what these parents struggle with in order to get help. I've gone to the psychiatrist appointments with them, the ambulance rides to the emergency room, the endless mounds of paperwork and red tape to get through in order to get their child help. I have been assaulted and had my life threatened on a daily basis. I have written about it before and I do not doubt I will write about it again - our mental health care system is failing our children.

I don't know why that man decided to do what he did. I can only infer that he was severely ill in some capacity. There will be huge debates about the American right to bear arms, violent video games, technology, and media. It is my opinion that the root of the issue is mental illness, which is rampant in our youth today. It infuriates me that they are not receiving the help they need. Parents call our local go-to agency for services and their name is put on a wait list for months if not years. Only severe cases get immediate attention, which is clearly happening to the family in the above article yet they are still fighting to be heard. I don't know if anything could have prevented Friday's tragedy, but I will continue to hope and fight for the earliest of interventions for my students: past, present, and future. I will advocate for their families when their families cannot. This at least makes me feel like I am doing something. It is good to hug your child a little tighter and to appreciate what you have...but actively doing something to help another child only makes your child's future that much brighter. And hopefully safer.

Here are some good places to start.

http://www.kidsmentalhealth.ca

http://www.hincksdellcrest.org/ABC/Welcome

http://www.mendthemind.ca

http://www.pathstonementalhealth.ca

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca

There was an old man...

When I drop Brennan off at school in the morning, the parking lot of the church is always busy with volunteers and people accessing the soup kitchen for breakfast. I've always felt guilty paying for Brennan's education when there are people needing a free meal. I feel guilty for a lot of things that I have no control over - kids with negligent parents, wives with abusive husbands, victims of random acts of violence. Today was different though...

A man walked passed us with no shoes or socks on. Just bare feet. He walked toward the dumpsters, which in and of itself is not uncommon as many men tend to head back there for reasons I do not know. Except today, this old man stopped in between the garbage and paper recycling dumpsters. I thought maybe he was going to go to the bathroom and kept about my business talking to one of the teachers on our way toward the school. Then we heard a slam. The man hadn't urinated as I wrongfully assumed - he climbed up the side of the paper dumpster and went inside. The teacher and I looked at each other with the 'did he just...?" look. Some jingling of the chains and sure enough he was inside. I told her that I had just put a box in there last week after bringing in our food donation to the school - did I drop it on him?! I had no idea anyone was in there.

After school I asked a different teacher if the man in the dumpster was ok and if I could bring him some socks. I was told by a person that works for the church that the man went in there because that's where his bed was. Not to worry, it was taken care of. I don't know what that means.

I thought about this old man all day. I'm going to bring some socks to the church on Monday just in case he comes back. Until then, I'm going to try to figure out how this situation even exists in a developed country like Canada.

The Bottom

I've been feeling a little lot off lately. Following report cards were parent interviews and then I had my evaluation from my principal. Brennan got sick and then I got sick. I helped organized my friend's bachelorette, went to a beautiful baby shower, had meetings, semi-decorated for Christmas. Steve's remark, "I thought you said it would get better in November? The beginning of November."

Sigh.

I feel like I'm almost at my personal bottom from overworking, overeating, underexercising (alright if I'm going to be honest, not exercising. At all.), overspending. overworrying, and under all the other stuff like quality family time, quality me time, quality cleaning my freaking house time. My all or nothing personality is rather unbalanced, heavier on the work department. I don't remember the last time I did a proper grocery store run or cooked an actual plate full of food that resembled a meal. Steve does everything around the house - he's a SuperDad.

I'm not sure why I always feel the need to justify the hours I put in. I don't know if it's a societal pressure where I feel that because I am a woman and a Mom, I am supposed to put all things womanly and motherly before the rest. It could be the fear of being judged for my priorities being in the "wrong place". Does anyone else ever feel that way? Who gets to decide what priorities are the right ones?

I think at this point I've started to shut down, physically and emotionally. Winter is never a good time for me, with the long, dark days. November and February tend to be the worst. I know what to do though. It's simple really. I don't think I'm quite at my true bottom yet because if I was, I'd be ready to finally do something about it. And so I will keep scraping along until I'm truly fed up and then I will pounce like a tiger on my sugar donut filled lazy ass and get back to the gym. It will be onward and upward from there because going to the gym breaks the cycle of a poor lifestyle for me. See...simple.

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To add to this self-created case of the blahs, there's the political side of what's going on with our union and the government and that really stresses me out. It makes me want to bury my head in the sand because as much as I try to understand everything that is going on, the legal side of it completely leaves me lost. And I can't stop reading the comments from the newspaper (which I know I shouldn't do) but they infuriate me and I want to set the record straight because the lack of respect for teachers, for what I pour my heart and soul into every single day, infuriates and disgusts me.

How did it get to a point where teachers were collectively seen as lazy, greedy, whiners? Does this come from jealousy of the perks of the job or ignorance to the reality of the job? Anyone who has ever had me as a teacher knows I am not lazy and that I give an incredible amount of my time and money to my kids and our classroom. I whine, yes, but I've always been a whiner. This whiner, she gets stuff done though, and it's for the better of the kids. I feel I deserve respect for what I do.

And fighting for respect exhausts me even more because the judgement is too much some days. I actually read a comment that insulted a teacher because silent reading was in their lesson plan, and so the man suggested a Grade 12 students could clearly replace teachers if this was what was being 'taught' in class. It's these kind of comments that make me too tired to even try. Where does one even start to correct this type of ignorance?

Sigh.

Yawn.

Tea vs. Latte

One of my favourite bloggers posted this today:

http://www.kellehampton.com/2012/11/tea-with-milk-and-honey.html


It's like she read my mind (minus the new baby part!), she knew I needed another reminder to take it down a notch and take time to listen to the leaves crunch under my feet. Except I'm not in the tea mode yet, I'm still flying in latte mode. Run run run as fast as she can...

I'm hoping things will slow down in a couple of weeks, after parent-teacher interviews and after my evaluation. Actually I had hoped things would slow down after progress reports and after Brennan's birthday and after Halloween and after...well this list goes back a while now.

I am learning to say no to other people but I am my own worst enemy and often cannot say no to myself when it comes to my work. I have some issues to iron out with time management and priorities. Admitting you have a problem is the first step right?

Connecting to the busy-as-a-beaver lifestyle, I am feeling a bit frustrated and overwhelmed with the way Christmas feels these days. Starting music and decorations as soon as the clock strikes midnight on Halloween just adds pressure and takes away the fun that the weeks before this holiday have the potential to bring. Although I'm not a religious person, what used to be a precious family time where thought was put into gift giving, now just seems like a big marketing game of one-upmanship. I know I have the power to change those thoughts, but when being bombarded for 2 months straight, it's kind of difficult to ignore. I feel pressure to finish shopping early and outdo whatever it was that I did last year. Do you find this too?

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In happier news, Brennan's conversations continue to crack me up. He now says, "cool" and "awesome" when he is shown something new. He sings the "Bonjour mes amies" song while clapping every day. When he was being silly tonight, my Aunt told him he was being crazy and he replied, "No, I not crazy. I just a boy." He squished my finger in Tick Tock Croc's mouth a bit too hard so he kissed it better and asked if I wanted a 'banbaid'. He told Steve that a girl in his class named Myla was his best friend.

This was our conversation on the way home from school:
"Did you colour at school today?"
"No"
"Did you read a book?"
"I made you a card."
"Really?"
"It's a secret."
"A secret card?"
"Ya, I not sposed to tell you. Insert a few phrases I didn't understand. I don't want it a secret. I want to bring it home my picture card."

Fall

Fall is my favourite season. It means the return of football, gorgeous leaf colours, apple cider, and the best decorations this side of Christmas.

With Fall also comes the overwhelming task of going back to school. I've been swamped at work as most teachers are this time of year, especially after reorganizing the third week into the year and becoming a split grade with 7 more kids than I started with. The assessments are incredibly time consuming, both in and out of the classroom and just when you think you can breathe, Progress Reports are due. Steve and I don't see each other very much because when he's actually home, I need to get work done and am often at school (with other teachers) just trying to stay afloat. He is very supportive but like anyone who isn't a teacher, he doesn't really understand why I have so much work to do. Just give them all As he says :-)

This year has been really fun as I have left Special Ed and returned to a "regular" classroom. It's been rejuvenating to be able to express my creativity in ways I had not been able to tap in to over the past 5 years. My class is pretty amazing and they are teaching me a lot as we go. I get to apply what I have learned in special ed to make learning easier for kids that have previously struggled. I am fortunate that they are buying into my unconventional ways of running a classroom, and for most kids it's working! That kind of positive reinforcement is so motivating and it was definitely what I needed.

Brennan also started school this year. He's going to a Montessori School and he LOVES it! We had a rough go for a few days but he's on track and no longer crying when I leave. He adores his teacher and even tried to call her today on his toy phone! He came home yesterday with a handprint turkey and his caption was: Thank you to Mummy because I want cookies. I want to play with toys and my Mummy gives me hugs and kisses. Daddy is at work...     That is one piece of art I will be keeping for sure!

With Thanksgiving this weekend, I will leave you with a top 10 of things I am thankful for.

1. My wonderful family and friends
2. The roof over our heads. The heat from our vents. The amenities that we often take for granted.
3. The job that pays for the heat, benefits, a pension
4. Hot stone massages
5. Our health
6. Modern Family: reruns, new episodes, the calendar, it's all hilarious
7. Living in Canada
8. The Baby Talk Mommies that provide amazing children for Brennan to grow up with, sanity for me, and friendships that are irreplaceable.
9. Stretchy pants without buttons and zippers...you know the could-be-maternity-type pants. Love love love them.
10. Wine. Lots of wine.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Je Suis Fatigue

I'm teaching regular ed this year in an amazing Grade 5 class with 20 students who I can reach and teach at their level because the class size is superb. Next week however it will become a 4/5 split with 27 students because the school registration (not my grade or even my division) was down 30 children on the first day of school. Now all classes in my school are going to splits except for Grade 1 and Grade 8.

The government is "Putting Students First" though in case you haven't heard.

A teacher has to move schools 2 weeks into the year into a split grade that is new to him, while another one has to work .25 time at a different school and .75 in ours. We have to get to know our new students and catch up on their assessments and get-to-know-you activities in the following week which will put us behind approximately 2 weeks (while the kids we've had do what?). Now if that isn't "Putting Students First", I don't know what is.

Split grade teachers (and Special Ed teachers) do not get paid any more than a straight grade teacher and we don't get any more prep time even though we have to teach 2 curriculums and administer and grade 2 sets of assessments, and 2 sets of report card comments. At the same time. Who accepts a second workload under these conditions?

Keep on putting those students first McGuinty. 

Such a shame that children are being used as pawns in a media game that only tells one side of the story, forgetting to point out to those incapable of reading between the political lines here, the real situation - the actual issue: doing away with unions and collective bargaining. Anyone realize how much this is going to cost tax payers in legal fees when the government is taken to court by the unions? Think about that one.

The general consensus appears to be that teachers do not want to strike (who does that help? We have kids too.). Teachers are accepting of a pay freeze and acknowledge that we make a good salary. What teachers are not okay with is having our contract legislated by a democratic government who believes in the collective bargaining process.

I may have to brush up on my inferring skills. How again is this putting students first?

This %&*# exhausts me. The media disappoints me. This process is insulting. The negative energy created by Bill Wolf In Disguise does not put students first.

Select members of the public will say how selfish teachers are if we end up 'working to rule', how WE'RE not putting students first. To those people I would ask if they've ever heard the saying that sometimes in order to take care of others you have to first take care of yourself?
Or don't let anyone bully you?
Or stand up for what you believe in?

I am just too tired though. Because I've been working my ass off teaching my students and slaving away at night and on weekends because I put students first.

http://cherrywoodgrade5.blogspot.ca/2012/09/its-most-wonderful-time-of-year.htmlhttp://cherrywoodgrade5.blogspot.ca/2012/09/its-most-wonderful-time-of-year.html

A Summer Review

This post has been brewing for a while but I hadn't uploaded the pictures or sat down to write it and on this beautiful sunny morning while Steve is golfing and Brennan is playing Handy Manny puzzles on the iPad, I'm going to do it. Because although tomorrow isn't officially Fall, it is to me, so before I start gushing about mums and fall leaves, here's some of what we did this summer:

Steve and I coached Brennan's soccer team on the weekends in July.

He was quite proud of his medal

We rented a cottage in Haliburtan with Steve's family for a week in August.

Brennan and his cousin Grayce learned to fish

The 3 Amigos

Brennan became obsessed with fire and marshmallows

Steve booked a romantic getaway for us for 2 days last week. We went to a stunning bed and breakfast (Irish Mountain) in Meaford. It was the most relaxed I've been in over 3 years!

Hiking

Georgian Bay

Steve sailing

We went to the coolest winery called Coffin Ridge

The view from our room

Sunrise

Brennan was very helpful around the yard. Steve bought him a mini wheelbarrow that he filled with the weeds I incessantly picked in our backyard thanks to the field behind our house.

I took Brennan on different day trips and for playdates at parks. He had a blast. It was really neat to see the difference in him from last year. He remembers so much now and was talking about our adventures weeks after and would ask me, "You remember when we went to see the lions Mommy? You remember that?" He would get excited about what we'd be doing because he understood what was going on.

I did take a couple of days to do 'Mommy' things. I strolled around Niagara-on-the-Lake and on one rainy day I stayed in bed all day. It was fantastic.

I spent a great deal of time in my new classroom. I'm moving back to regular ed this year, into a Grade 5 class. It's been 5 years since I've been in this world. I feel like I did when I had my first LTO 8 years ago...this strange combination of excitement and nervousness.
I cleaned the room and painted the boards, unpacked my millions of boxes and then got down to some serious decorating/organizing business.

This bad boy took me a whole afternoon to measure in order to make sure all the words would fit properly

My class library

Books are all organized by author or genre and labeled to promote independence (and my sanity) when returning them 

Kids supplies and manipulatives

Learning goals and criteria boards

Our Math board being used for the how-do-you-learn unit we'll be doing. All pictures were created by a colleague (Colin Strickland)...I cannot take credit for their fantasticness.

The desks until we get into our Tribes

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Before heading off to do mountains of laundry, I did want to say thank you to those who read, commented, and shared my last post. More people read about the volcano in 3 days than a whole year's worth of blog writing!! I didn't realize it would go as far as it did, since it's usually just a handful of friends on Facebook who read what I write. I'm not usually too exciting ;)

To answer the biggest question: Why aren't you sending it as an editorial to newspapers? My answer is simple: I write for me. I did not have the intent of it spreading the way it did...I sure would have done more research and added more detail if I were looking to speak on behalf of others. I am also not interested in the back and forth banter that would come of it in the opinion section, because that is what sells papers. It would just add fuel to the fire. 

Thank you again for supporting me, but more importantly for supporting teachers in general. And to those of you who got the real message...what the government is starting to do to unions and the collective bargaining process...great inferring! 

There's a Volcano in my Tummy!

Last year my teaching partner taught a unit to our kids called There's a Volcano in my Tummy. It was about anger management and recognizing the signs that you're going to explode and then finding socially appropriate ways to deal with your frustrations. I'm glad I was there for that unit.

Right now there are some things going on politically with teaching here in Ontario. I'm not going to pretend I know anything more than the average person about politics or legislation, however I think I'm safe in making the judgement call that what is happening is not democratic.

I've been reading the newspapers and the emails from our union. Today there was a protest at Queen's Park against the Education Minister's proposed bill that will:
"... freeze teachers’ pay — except for seniority grid movement — impose three unpaid days off, halve the number of annual sick days to 10, stop unused sick days from being banked and cashed out at retirement, and ban strikes and lockouts for two years."
There are always colourful comments after these articles, most of which bash teachers. We're lazy. We're in it for the summers off. We go in at 9:00 and are done at 3:30. That greedy pension.

The lava builds.

And then I realize that people are so focused on putting us down that they are not even noticing what is happening to unions and to democratic practice. What a clever group of people to really start with. Well played McGuinty.

Rumble.

I don't know how all of the school boards work and I will admit that I don't know my own Collective Agreement as well as I should. I cannot speak for every teacher. I don't know what it's like to teach high school or Catholic school or Kindergarten. I've taught in the junior division and I've taught Special Education, which receives a lot of slack let me tell you. "You only have 8 kids," was quite commonly thrown in my face in the past 5 years.

I'm not going to pretend I don't have rants about the frustrations of teaching as much as the next guy: there's not enough money, not enough resources, special education classes being cut, reduced support, class sizes are too big, kids are disrespectful. "Well when I was a kid..."  You know the drill; but at the heart of it, I love what I do. I take those students and make them my kids. Before having Brennan I would talk about them and people would ask just how many kids I had?! "30, 32, 8, 6..."

This is my teaching:

• I take workshops and courses and I read teacher books throughout the year and on my 'summers off'. I spend a great deal of my 'summers off' planning and going into the school to set my room up and to create...   I don't want to forget that I have the 'summer off' because I DON'T GET PAID. We are 10 month contract workers whose wages are garnished so that we cannot collect unemployment. I don't get paid for the next part either.
• I coach sports and clubs before, during, and after school, you know when I "go in at 9 and leave at 3:30." I bring marking home. And plan at home. And do report cards at home, which take a minimum of an hour each student. 3 times a year. And individual education plans for students with exceptionalities. 3 times a year. And I go to staff meetings and school fundraisers. Still unpaid. 
• I've spent incredible amounts of my own money on teaching supplies and items my students wouldn't have if I didn't buy it myself. 
• I get up at 4am to write more detailed lesson plans and email them to work in between puking when I have the flu and have to take one of my "ridiculous number of sick days". I almost forgot though, I don't deal with lice or runny noses, coughs, colds, fevers, puke, or chicken pocks. It's a good thing I'm immune to them 194 days of the year anyway.
• I am paid well but some days I'm not paid enough. I've had my life threatened. I've had things as large as desks thrown at me. I've been attacked, bit, hit, kicked, scratched, and spit on. I've had to wear protective gear for my own safety. I've been told to F-off and been called every name in the book. I know this just doesn't exist in Special Ed. I know it happens in 'regular classes' all over. I guess I'm lucky I don't work at an elementary school that has metal detectors. At school. To prevent shootings and stabbings. Where I work. Teaching isn't like it was when the bashers were growing up. It's teaching physical health and emotional health and social skills training. What to eat, self-regulation, how to zip up your coat. Sometimes it's even buying a student that winter coat and teaching her how to brush her teeth. Ya, us teachers, we've got it easy.

We do the extra that we do because we wanted to be teachers and that's what teachers who make a difference do. Because we love kids and we want to help them learn. It's not about the money, for we could have made a hell of a lot more in business. It's not for the pension because the same money they take off of our cheques toward our pension, and the College of Teachers fee, and Union dues, and benefits portions could easily go into RRSPs anyway. It's not for the summers off because we don't really take the summers off. And we don't get paid. I am not denying the great perks to our job but let's consider for a minute the fact that we went to school for a minimum of 4 years in university. Oh yes, and we are educating and caring "in loco parentis" for everyone's children 6 1/2 hours a day, 194 days a year.

Recent posts in social media compare teachers' wages and benefits to police officers and doctors and politicians. It's not really a fair comparison. We're alike in that our salaries are paid by taxes and we protect children and care for them and run their daily community. But I guess that's all I can say because I've never been a police officer or a doctor or a politician. Should everyone's wages be frozen to help wipe out the deficit? I'm not qualified to answer that. Should teachers alone be the scapegoats for the billions of dollars spent by the government? I sure don't think that's right. Should we be publicly slandered by the public and Minister of Education who should be supporting and fighting for education? I shouldn't answer that because my tummy is like a volcano and Jillian said when that happens, its time to take a break. 

Before I do though, I would like to put it out there to all the teacher bashers that you could have become a teacher if you wanted "summers off, a great pension, and a 9-3:30 job". You're also welcome to walk a day in my shoes and try to teach algebra to 34 students with different intellectual capabilities, home environments, socio-economic status, attention spans, sensory needs, emotional stability, and hormones. After that please go walk in the mile of another teacher's shoes at an elementary school in downtown Toronto, you know the one with the metal detectors. Add another 192 days of that and then come tell me how it is again that I am lazy?

What Do I Tell Him?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've no doubt heard about the Colorado massacre during the premiere of the newest Batman movie: a devastating crime that ended 12 lives and wounded many more both physically and emotionally. Violent acts of this nature are no longer anomalies. They happen in schools, at neighbourhood BBQs, inside shopping malls, on the streets. Shootings aren’t gang-related events that only happen in the ‘ghetto’. Somehow they made themselves a home right in everyone’s backyard.

*****

When I was a kid I was out the door as soon as I scarfed down breakfast. I hopped on my bike and was off to collect my friends for the day's adventures. We had neighbourhood boundaries that we stayed in and we were home for supper and then again when the street lights came on, but we had free reign to play. There was a sense of security that allowed for this freedom because where we lived there were parents and neighbours and Block Parents if we needed help. No one was afraid to knock on people's doors to sell garbage bags for the school fundraiser. It wasn’t unheard of to make new friends at the park and play at their house that same day. And then the simplicity of childhood was taken from us.

I'll never forget it.

There was no hiding it and maybe events like these were always widespread by rumours and the ever-explicit media. It seemed to me at the time that this was the biggest thing to ever happen in the history of the world. We were no longer allowed out of sight of an adult. At all times. Our boundaries were confined to the end of the street and there were no more bike rides to the store with our weekly allowance. I still to this day look skeptically at large vans.

Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka’s pictures were plastered everywhere and everyone was talking about it. Educating children about Stranger Danger became the number one priority for adults. It was difficult to find someone who didn’t know someone who knew Kristen French or Leslie Mahaffy. The word abduction became all too familiar. Our world had been changed forever.

Just the same way that the Columbine shooting changed how teenagers go to school.

The way some people in Toronto will never view shopping or a BBQ the same way again.

The way James Holmes has taken the joy out of seeing a movie. And Batman.

****

I think to myself, what will the world be like when Brennan is old enough to understand these things? If from my childhood I only remember 1 scary event and in Brennan’s less than 3 years of life, I can count so many horrific, tragic events that they're not even shocking anymore...I am more than concerned. He’s going to hear about them, there’s no sheltering kids anymore, especially with the internet and social media. A prime example: we were leaving the ROM the day it happened and I overheard the security guards talking about it:

“What do you mean you haven’t heard about Colorado?”

“I don’t have the internet at home.”

“Come on man, the radio? You haven’t heard anything about the shooting?”

I was at Costco today and an employee was telling the all of the gruesome details to a customer who was flipping through a Batman book.

It’s in every newspaper and on all the news channels. You can’t really escape it.

We teach our children about finding the good in people, in the greater good of humanity; the importance of forgiveness and in giving second chances; to take risks.

And then it’s no longer safe to go to school without metal detectors because it’s not enough for random strangers to be a possible threat, but now their peers are too. And a 24-year old neuroscience major. What will I say to him when he asks ‘why’?

What has happened to James Holmes to lead him to such extremes? How did society fail him to the point of becoming responsible for a massacre? I am not defending this man, but I have to believe that people are not inherently born ready to kill strangers. That there has to be some strange combination of genetics and nature (and I don’t necessarily mean just family here) that lead to such tragedy.

I remember reading about Heath Ledger after playing the role of The Joker in Batman: The Dark Knight. He had filmed half of the movie before his accidental overdose.

Ledger recently told reporters he "slept an average of two hours a night" while playing "a psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy ...

"I couldn't stop thinking. My body was exhausted, and my mind was still going."

Prescription drugs didn't help, he said.

Tony Timpone, editor of the fantasy magazine Fangoria, said the movie should do well, despite the "cloud over it" from Ledger's death.

"It's going to be tough, because the Joker is such an indelible character, and Heath was such an indelible actor. It could be tough to disassociate ourselves from reality. Because the movie looks like it's going to be so dark, and his life had such a dark end."

Articles like these often hinted at Ledger’s role as The Joker ultimately leading to his death. Will the media put the same spin on this story? With the accused apparently not talking, it leaves one to speculate doesn't it? And that sadly is what qualifies for 'good news'. Was it extreme mental illness? Drugs? A bizarre quest for fame? A case of a copy cat? Over-exposure to violence? There are endless possibilities and even if/when the answer does come out, I fear I will still not be able to explain to my beautiful, innocent son, how something like this can happen in his world. 

A Line Needs to be Drawn

So there's an upheavel in the news here about a woman who was caught sleeping in her car on her lunch break. The picture went 'viral' and the community is outraged because this woman is a police officer and her car was unlocked at the time. You can read about it here:

http://www.niagarafallsreview.ca/2012/06/18/police-officer-photographed-snoozing-in-cruiser

I read the article and my first thought was, "Oh this poor woman". After looking at the Reader's Comments, it turns out not so many people shared the same sentiment. Most are screaming 'fire her'. I believe that being a critical consumer of information is vital in today's world of social media overload. Some people don't seem to know the difference between fact and opinion anymore! With this being said, I am not interested in discussing whether she was right or wrong, whether or not she should be fired or disciplined, whether or not she was indeed taking a nap. It is not my place to decide because I don't have all of the information. And I've never been a cop. As a teacher though, I am aware of how incredibly quick the public is to judge. And they do so without all of the facts (I will take a moment to remind you all that NO, TEACHERS DO NOT GET PAID IN THE SUMMER AND NO, THEY CANNOT COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT). Take a moment to think. With your brain. For more than the length of a commercial.

I personally don't think this picture should be allowed to circulate through the media the way it has. I understand she is a police officer and is thus a public servant, however, she is still a person. She has feelings. Family. Circumstances we do not know about. Shoes we have not filled. Who are we to make judgements on her character and professional pedigree based on a picture? A line needs to be drawn. One commenter made an excellent point, that if the group who posted the picture was only interested in just cause, then they should have sent it to the officials who needed to see it, not give it to the local papers and post it on Facebook and Twitter. Counter arguments to this statement were of course made by the people in the Canada Court Watch group as to why they chose the route they did. I was irritated.

Then it got worse. And I became infuriated when I read the first Reader's Comment:

Brianne Billet stated:

"You know, I'm sure that she was tired from her long "12 hour shifts" but has anyone ever looked at the "real" citizens that work 12 hour shifts on a daily basis to bring enough money home to support their families, then go out with their children and finish off the evening, then back to work for another 12 hours the next day? I'm so incredibly dissapointed with the NRP and its officers, there should be no reason what-so-ever for this woman to be sleeping in a patrol car, its just another reason why men are more apt for certain jobs as they can carry their exhaustion better. There is NEVER an excuse for behaviour like this. If she was that exhausted, she should have gone home for the day as she would be putting other civilians and officers in jeopardy during any calls due to the fact that she is that "exhausted" from her "12-hour shifts" that she has to sleep during her lunch break.

Lunch breaks are just for that... Lunch.

I am a Woman from St.Catharines who firmly believes that if a Woman cannot pull the same hours and the same dedication to the jobs that men have for so many years been dedicated to with their lives, then I urge the City staffers as well as the Officials to begin regulating again which jobs should and should not be able to accept female applicants. Ladies, if you cannot give the dedication you need to, go home and raise children, make a beautiful garden and take care of your husbands the way you all should all be doing."

I support freedom of speech, differing opinions, opposite beliefs. We all choose political parties and religion. Each are a major component of our society, but jeez, be respectful. Make your point but don't push your beliefs on others unless your opinion or advice is asked for. After several responses Brianne Billet went on to say:

"I have been fotunate to become blessed with 3 pregnancies, 5 children and 1 beautiful surviving girl who is exceptionally bright, I pride myself in being a stay at home mother.
To be able to be there for my child whenever or for whatever she needs from me is the most rewarding and fulfilling job that I could ever ask for.
I'm very well aware that not all women feel like I do and that's fine. But in this day in age, so many women are accused of being feminists and so on and so forth.

I'd like to know why I have to feel ashamed about my morals, and my beliefs? I firmly believe such jobs as firefighting, policing, construction work etc. would be better served by hiring male applicants only.

Over the years, I've noticed something... How many of our Grandparents, or Great-Grandparents had ever been divorced? how many of our parents had dto live in single parent homes? not many. Women in that time of our past were more docile, and content to stay at home and take care of their families, instead of "wanting more"

If you "wanted more" you shouldnt have spread your legs to procreate another life, whose independance and intellect depend on the parenting and the involvement of who else?.... their mothers; from the start of life on.

NF 2012;
I am proud of my morals, and where I keep my values and beliefs, and I will not be forced to change them just for the idea of keeping another feminist "comfortable"."

I did take a deep breath (actually about 10) and considered that it is possible that Brianne Billet may not exist. That it might not be her in the picture. Those comments could have been made by anyone. A man. A woman. An interested party who wants to stir up controversy. Who really knows. Regardless, I don't even know where to go with these statements! They are derogatory and irrelevant to the actual issue trying to be brought to light by the activists, which is likely making it 10x worse for the cop. Despite the fact that her ideals are somewhat connected to the picture, come on, really...Brianne is opening up a whole different can of worms. Feminism and woman's rights vs. a sleeping on-duty cop. Oi!

Here is the latest article:

http://www.niagarafallsreview.ca/2012/06/19/nrp-reviewing-sleeping-cop-case

With that, I will leave you to develop your own opinions if you so chose. I just hope that they are formed with a critical mind and that if you are so inclined to share them, that you do so respectfully. Otherwise I will have to continue to be concerned for the society that Brennan will be growing up in.

A Top 10 From Brennan

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love My Daddy

(a wee bit late for Father's Day)

10. He makes yummy grilled cheeses.

 9. He lets me have sugar when Mommy isn't looking.

 8. He makes fantastic forts out of couch cushions and blankets.

 7. He's silly and makes me laugh every day.

 6. He gives good hugs and kisses.

 5. He painted my room with hand-drawn balloons and clouds.

 4. He's tall enough to make me touch the sky when I fly like Superman.

 3. He buys me fancy shoes because he has expensive taste (especially for a

    toddler Mommy says).  

 2. He lets me help him do 'work' around the house with my tools.

 1. He loves me. Even during my temper tantrums :) 

When I was just born Oct. 25, 2009.

Father's Day 2010

***Uh oh...Mommy missed pictures on Father's Day 2011***

Father's Day 2012


I LOVE YOU DADDY!

Love Brennan

The Power of Choice and Chocolate

5 weeks ago tonight I read a blog post about sugar. More specifically about not eating sugar. For 5 weeks. Straight. I decided it was good motivation to kick my quickly growing crack sugar addiction. I don't do well with limiting eating by myself, I need someone who I might let down if I fail (apparently I am not good enough to be that person).

The first few days were easy with my stronger-than-steel willpower. Then it got harder. Comparable-to-pregnancy type cravings started popping up on what seemed like an hourly basis. But with each time I refused to give in, it got a little easier to 'just say no'.

I was not entering the challenge with the goal of being 100% sugar-free. I am aware of my limits. I allowed myself wine, the syrup in my morning latte, sugar cane within items such as my new-found organic, gluten-free, non-GMO cereal (try saying that 3 times fast), and a square of my 78% cocoa chocolate bar. Naturally occurring sugar in fruit and a small amount of orange juice were also given approval.

I decided to continue working on eliminating dairy, gluten, and fast foods....but these were not my main focus.

Every day I wrote I DID IT! on my calendar before going to bed and I filled my students in on my progress to ensure I was being held accountable. All-in-all I did well. On 2 occasions I had something sweet BUT it was by choice, not by giving in to a craving or eating just because it was there. I had a cupcake on my Aunt's birthday (gluten-free...oh la la) and something on the Friday night of the long weekend. It was clearly not so great because I don't remember what it was.

I discovered a few things along the way:

1. I have been feeling terrible for months not knowing why. I've tried massage, chiropractor, naturopathic remedies, acupuncture, etc. to no avail. It turns out I'm sensitive to dairy which caused bloating and pain. I don't drink enough water which gave me headaches and muscle tension. And I was eating too much sugar equaling blood sugar plummets that made me feel lightheaded and exhausted. All self-diagnosed, feel free to book an appointment with my secretary.

2. The saying, 'You are what you eat' is pretty accurate. When I eat junk now, I feel awful afterward. I don't feel guilty, but I feel physically horrible. I pay for bad eating choices anywhere from a few hours to a full day. I had no idea what I was doing to myself. I thought what I felt was normal. After removing the junk from my body I now know what healthy feels like and when I want to eat pizza I have to make a choice - do I want to be bloated and gassy and in pain for the next day or should I have something else? I read about the toll this food takes on our organs when they are trying to filter it from our bodies. It was quite a disturbing description.

3. The literature on the food industry, be it meat, fast food, and even vegetables is...well you have to read it for yourself. Being a critical consumer is important but when book after book reports the same information by different authors, each with their own goal in sharing their findings...in my mind, their messages are clear and substantiated. Many books have footnotes and endnotes with full reference lists. It should be illegal what we're exposed to, what the industry gets away with with labelling, and I am appalled at the low standards given to the food we consume. I will sit down one day and write out my favourite shocking facts from the books I am reading. I am interested in finding one with Canadian regulations, know of any?

4. I have more energy.

5. I started to remember things without writing them down!

6. I am generally in a better mood.

7. I am more aware of what I am feeding Brennan. This does not go over well with all people. I get a lot of those, "Oh you're one of THOSE Moms" looks when I say Brennan is not allowed to eat certain foods.

8. I am much better at reading labels. Doing so has lead to grocery shopping totals being at least $200 higher each month but I've realized I spend money on much more frivolous things than my health. I also have more room in my cupboards because I'm not buying as many pre-packaged items.

9. It is near impossible to eat at a restaurant when looking for dairy and gluten-free foods. This is also difficult when going to someone else's house for dinner. Do you bring your own food? Mary's Crackers and hummus anyone?

10. I am starving ALL the time. Not eating so much sugar, simple carbohydrates, and fat makes an incredible difference. Based on what I've read, I am digesting my food faster so I need smaller snacks or meals throughout the day. Some days it feels like every hour.

My favourite part of it all...I inspired one of my students to try to not eat candy! Red dye and sugar are terrible for my students and I am super proud of him for recognizing that. I am impressed at how much my students are learning about food - they can now tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy food and look for the healthiest item in their lunch at the morning break.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have not lost a large amount of weight. I actually don't weigh myself but go by how my clothes fit. They are too big in the morning and depending on what I eat, fit just right during the day but are usually tight at night. I'm still working on finding bloating triggers.

My next adventure will be reducing the amount of meat I eat. I've already said no more chicken wings (I may be singing a different tune when football starts) and I just ate the last rack of Steve's delicious ribs last weekend. I will have one more steak, one more pork chop, etc until I am down to chicken and turkey. Then I will work on those. I don't know for how long. I am curious how not eating meat will make me feel.

I will also be doing a 2 week liver cleanse. Not a huge detox program, but a few naturopathic remedies, clean eating, alongside...dare I say it...no drinking...no lattes...no junk at all (ah!) to give my liver a break from working so hard. It deserves a vacation too right? Don't worry, I will be waiting until the end of school for this one.

I know it won't be hard to do because I'm CHOOSING to do it versus being told to do it or feeling that I should be doing it. That choice is incredibly powerful. It's not about not being allowed to eat my Jelly Bellies; rather, it's that I am choosing not to because I respect my body and health enough to not eat a massive Costco-size bag of them in a week (insert hanging head in shame).

Now that is food for thought.

P.S. I will be going to 12 Tin Cupcakery to celebrate being done. I am going to choose to have one of their new chocolate chip sangwiches with icing in the middle. I doubt I'll be able to stomach a full one, but I sure will have a big bite!

A Dash of This and That

I am nearly bursting at the seams with ideas right now. I haven't written in a while because I have been engrossed in reading these:

     

I am learning about food, chemicals, pesticides, factory farming, organic food, fast food, meat, dairy, gluten, and as every woman seems to know by now...how to write up an S&M contract.

I was inspired by this blog post to join Julie on a 5-week sugar-free challenge. We have a week to go. Here is where she is now. I will write where I end up next Thursday when we are finished. Report cards are due on Friday so I'm sure I will need an excuse to avoid them.

I also stumbled across this blog about being mindful as a human being, putting down technology and being present with your children or partner or friends or family or nature or dare I say, with yourself. I started to notice that whenever Brennan saw my cellphone sitting on a table he would bring it to me. He would tell me to turn the iPad off at night and to not 'do work' and to 'lie down' with him so we could hold hands. I realized what I was becoming. So I started to put the phone down. And the iPad. And my 'work'. And I made sure my play with Brennan was more mindful. I was present and really paid attention to our conversations, his discoveries, and how much fun we had when I wasn't stealing a precious moment to write a text message. Brennan is becoming a little boy in front of our eyes and he gets funnier and sweeter every day.

- - - - -

Yesterday I participated in my first Cycle for Autism. Two of my students walked/rode and I saw other people I knew there with their kids. Here is me on Team Owen and Ben.

The rain held off and the path was a tranquil trail through a forest near the water. The best part of the day was seeing a wide range of children and adults with Autism, all over 'The Spectrum' just being. There was stimming and spinning and crying. There were smiles and laughter and cheers. Family and friends all gathered together to bring awareness to Autism. No strange looks, no whispers, no staring. Just acceptance. And one huge-ass amount of love and respect and understanding. It was one of the greatest events I have participated in. And little Owen...he rocked that 5K walk, practically running the whole way with all those strangers around him in a new environment. Then he played on the playground and had a blast. Just like EVERY OTHER KID there. Because no one was judging. No one was being left out. It was one big family. Now THAT is the way the world should be.

Our world should not be about random shootings in a mall food court.

Or how many pins you have on Pinterest.

Or keeping the house immaculate.

Our bodies should not be filled with easy, cheap, cholesterol-filled food.

Instead:

I can't tell you how great I feel having learned to LET GO. If only I could have done it years ago...I wonder how life would have changed? The power of choice is immense and fulfilling.

This week I chose...

1. a long nap with Brennan
2. finishing a book when I woke up before he did
3. to not eat the cookies or ice-cream sandwiches Steve thoughtfully brought home
4. to write this blog post
5. to not look at my To-Do list
6. to hand in Brennan's application and deposit for Montessori School
7. to laugh when I normally would have been irate
8. to buy expensive organic, gluten-free pancake mix
9. to listen to the rain and the birds instead of music
10. to blow-dry my hair for the first time in weeks. And put on a little lipgloss :)

See you Thursday, have a great week :)