The Bottom

I've been feeling a little lot off lately. Following report cards were parent interviews and then I had my evaluation from my principal. Brennan got sick and then I got sick. I helped organized my friend's bachelorette, went to a beautiful baby shower, had meetings, semi-decorated for Christmas. Steve's remark, "I thought you said it would get better in November? The beginning of November."

Sigh.

I feel like I'm almost at my personal bottom from overworking, overeating, underexercising (alright if I'm going to be honest, not exercising. At all.), overspending. overworrying, and under all the other stuff like quality family time, quality me time, quality cleaning my freaking house time. My all or nothing personality is rather unbalanced, heavier on the work department. I don't remember the last time I did a proper grocery store run or cooked an actual plate full of food that resembled a meal. Steve does everything around the house - he's a SuperDad.

I'm not sure why I always feel the need to justify the hours I put in. I don't know if it's a societal pressure where I feel that because I am a woman and a Mom, I am supposed to put all things womanly and motherly before the rest. It could be the fear of being judged for my priorities being in the "wrong place". Does anyone else ever feel that way? Who gets to decide what priorities are the right ones?

I think at this point I've started to shut down, physically and emotionally. Winter is never a good time for me, with the long, dark days. November and February tend to be the worst. I know what to do though. It's simple really. I don't think I'm quite at my true bottom yet because if I was, I'd be ready to finally do something about it. And so I will keep scraping along until I'm truly fed up and then I will pounce like a tiger on my sugar donut filled lazy ass and get back to the gym. It will be onward and upward from there because going to the gym breaks the cycle of a poor lifestyle for me. See...simple.

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To add to this self-created case of the blahs, there's the political side of what's going on with our union and the government and that really stresses me out. It makes me want to bury my head in the sand because as much as I try to understand everything that is going on, the legal side of it completely leaves me lost. And I can't stop reading the comments from the newspaper (which I know I shouldn't do) but they infuriate me and I want to set the record straight because the lack of respect for teachers, for what I pour my heart and soul into every single day, infuriates and disgusts me.

How did it get to a point where teachers were collectively seen as lazy, greedy, whiners? Does this come from jealousy of the perks of the job or ignorance to the reality of the job? Anyone who has ever had me as a teacher knows I am not lazy and that I give an incredible amount of my time and money to my kids and our classroom. I whine, yes, but I've always been a whiner. This whiner, she gets stuff done though, and it's for the better of the kids. I feel I deserve respect for what I do.

And fighting for respect exhausts me even more because the judgement is too much some days. I actually read a comment that insulted a teacher because silent reading was in their lesson plan, and so the man suggested a Grade 12 students could clearly replace teachers if this was what was being 'taught' in class. It's these kind of comments that make me too tired to even try. Where does one even start to correct this type of ignorance?

Sigh.

Yawn.