I Get in my Car

One of the hallmarks of having an anxiety disorder is constant irrational fear. Fear of things and situations that are often ordinary and non-threatening. It doesn't make any sense to the person experiencing the panic any more than it does to onlookers. Anxiety and fear are in and of themselves natural and healthy in order for us to avoid dangerous situations. I have a fear of flying - not in the we're going to crash sort of way, but in the what-if-they-lose-my-luggage sort of way. I'm not kidding - perish in a plane crash? Sure, as long as I have my luggage. I don't know what it is with parting with my suitcase that makes me feel this way. The only theory I've come up with over the years of therapy is that it is a control thing. Everything in the suitcase would be replaceable wherever that plane flew me to (if there were room on my credit card!) but that still doesn't matter to me. I would rather buy my suitcase it's own plane ticket than check it in baggage claim. Hence why we're likely driving to Florida this summer.

On Friday when the lives of 26 innocent people were taken by a man with 3 loaded guns, many parents hugged their children tighter and prayed for the families who lost their loved ones in such a malicious way. Anticipating and possibly escalating fear, our local newspaper ran an article about how our two school boards are working to keep students safe by ensuring all doors are locked throughout the day and having a video entry system where the secretary has to buzz visitors in.

The reality is...the man blew the door open with his gun. No lock or buzz entry system is going to withstand bullets. This disturbing act of violence is not limited to schools either. Terrible things happen all over every single day. There are no guarantees in life. When I would pose my frantic 'what if this happens?!?!?!' scenarios to my therapist, she would say, "You could also get in a car accident at any time but you still get in your car and drive it anyway." And she's right.

Knowing what it is like to live in constant fear, I can say that it is no way to truly live. It is not healthy or productive. It does not foster trust or confidence in children. It interferes with healthy relationships. So if I could offer one unsolicited piece of advice to those feeling like our society has hit an all-time low and that maybe home schooling would be a better option given the incredible number of violent incidents in our schools, it would be this: the probability of something like Friday happening is very small. The number of days that go by without a mass murder of children far outnumbers the horrific days where it does. Without minimizing what happened, it is important not to overgeneralize. Know that, yes this could happen. Unbelievable that it could, but hold on to the high probability that it won't.

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I read this blog post today http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.ca/2012/12/thinking-unthinkable.html  and it was one of the most riveting pieces I have read in a long time. Having taught a behaviour class, I experienced first hand what these parents struggle with in order to get help. I've gone to the psychiatrist appointments with them, the ambulance rides to the emergency room, the endless mounds of paperwork and red tape to get through in order to get their child help. I have been assaulted and had my life threatened on a daily basis. I have written about it before and I do not doubt I will write about it again - our mental health care system is failing our children.

I don't know why that man decided to do what he did. I can only infer that he was severely ill in some capacity. There will be huge debates about the American right to bear arms, violent video games, technology, and media. It is my opinion that the root of the issue is mental illness, which is rampant in our youth today. It infuriates me that they are not receiving the help they need. Parents call our local go-to agency for services and their name is put on a wait list for months if not years. Only severe cases get immediate attention, which is clearly happening to the family in the above article yet they are still fighting to be heard. I don't know if anything could have prevented Friday's tragedy, but I will continue to hope and fight for the earliest of interventions for my students: past, present, and future. I will advocate for their families when their families cannot. This at least makes me feel like I am doing something. It is good to hug your child a little tighter and to appreciate what you have...but actively doing something to help another child only makes your child's future that much brighter. And hopefully safer.

Here are some good places to start.

http://www.kidsmentalhealth.ca

http://www.hincksdellcrest.org/ABC/Welcome

http://www.mendthemind.ca

http://www.pathstonementalhealth.ca

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca

There was an old man...

When I drop Brennan off at school in the morning, the parking lot of the church is always busy with volunteers and people accessing the soup kitchen for breakfast. I've always felt guilty paying for Brennan's education when there are people needing a free meal. I feel guilty for a lot of things that I have no control over - kids with negligent parents, wives with abusive husbands, victims of random acts of violence. Today was different though...

A man walked passed us with no shoes or socks on. Just bare feet. He walked toward the dumpsters, which in and of itself is not uncommon as many men tend to head back there for reasons I do not know. Except today, this old man stopped in between the garbage and paper recycling dumpsters. I thought maybe he was going to go to the bathroom and kept about my business talking to one of the teachers on our way toward the school. Then we heard a slam. The man hadn't urinated as I wrongfully assumed - he climbed up the side of the paper dumpster and went inside. The teacher and I looked at each other with the 'did he just...?" look. Some jingling of the chains and sure enough he was inside. I told her that I had just put a box in there last week after bringing in our food donation to the school - did I drop it on him?! I had no idea anyone was in there.

After school I asked a different teacher if the man in the dumpster was ok and if I could bring him some socks. I was told by a person that works for the church that the man went in there because that's where his bed was. Not to worry, it was taken care of. I don't know what that means.

I thought about this old man all day. I'm going to bring some socks to the church on Monday just in case he comes back. Until then, I'm going to try to figure out how this situation even exists in a developed country like Canada.

The Bottom

I've been feeling a little lot off lately. Following report cards were parent interviews and then I had my evaluation from my principal. Brennan got sick and then I got sick. I helped organized my friend's bachelorette, went to a beautiful baby shower, had meetings, semi-decorated for Christmas. Steve's remark, "I thought you said it would get better in November? The beginning of November."

Sigh.

I feel like I'm almost at my personal bottom from overworking, overeating, underexercising (alright if I'm going to be honest, not exercising. At all.), overspending. overworrying, and under all the other stuff like quality family time, quality me time, quality cleaning my freaking house time. My all or nothing personality is rather unbalanced, heavier on the work department. I don't remember the last time I did a proper grocery store run or cooked an actual plate full of food that resembled a meal. Steve does everything around the house - he's a SuperDad.

I'm not sure why I always feel the need to justify the hours I put in. I don't know if it's a societal pressure where I feel that because I am a woman and a Mom, I am supposed to put all things womanly and motherly before the rest. It could be the fear of being judged for my priorities being in the "wrong place". Does anyone else ever feel that way? Who gets to decide what priorities are the right ones?

I think at this point I've started to shut down, physically and emotionally. Winter is never a good time for me, with the long, dark days. November and February tend to be the worst. I know what to do though. It's simple really. I don't think I'm quite at my true bottom yet because if I was, I'd be ready to finally do something about it. And so I will keep scraping along until I'm truly fed up and then I will pounce like a tiger on my sugar donut filled lazy ass and get back to the gym. It will be onward and upward from there because going to the gym breaks the cycle of a poor lifestyle for me. See...simple.

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To add to this self-created case of the blahs, there's the political side of what's going on with our union and the government and that really stresses me out. It makes me want to bury my head in the sand because as much as I try to understand everything that is going on, the legal side of it completely leaves me lost. And I can't stop reading the comments from the newspaper (which I know I shouldn't do) but they infuriate me and I want to set the record straight because the lack of respect for teachers, for what I pour my heart and soul into every single day, infuriates and disgusts me.

How did it get to a point where teachers were collectively seen as lazy, greedy, whiners? Does this come from jealousy of the perks of the job or ignorance to the reality of the job? Anyone who has ever had me as a teacher knows I am not lazy and that I give an incredible amount of my time and money to my kids and our classroom. I whine, yes, but I've always been a whiner. This whiner, she gets stuff done though, and it's for the better of the kids. I feel I deserve respect for what I do.

And fighting for respect exhausts me even more because the judgement is too much some days. I actually read a comment that insulted a teacher because silent reading was in their lesson plan, and so the man suggested a Grade 12 students could clearly replace teachers if this was what was being 'taught' in class. It's these kind of comments that make me too tired to even try. Where does one even start to correct this type of ignorance?

Sigh.

Yawn.