I do not have time to write about how much I kicked Seratonin's ASS today, because Brennan and I are cozied up ready to sleep in our hospital bed. We're in isolation for RSV which has meant no room sharing so far. Here's hoping for a quiet night other than the every 2 hour medication interruptions. Our nurse is fabulous!
More on my victory to come...
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Saturday, 14 January 2012
A Top 10 from this Week
1. I made it to the gym. 3 count 'em, 3 times this week. I was tired and it hurt but it felt great! I got there and was all of a sudden full of energy and ready to give it. I quickly became aware of how weak my body was when using weights, but that's what I get for not going for almost 2 months.
2. I made time for ME this week. With Steve on nights and Brennan in bed on time, I poured myself some wine (because it's good for your heart you know) and read my Book Club book. The dishes sat until i was ready. So did the laundry. I finished the book (and coincidentally the dishes and laundry) which is great because I hadn't finished the last two on time. The best part of finishing the book is the 'meeting' with delicious food, cute toddlers making a huge mess and screaming with delight as they chase each other around, and talking with a group of some of the most amazing women I've ever met.
3. A stressful and sad situation with one of my students worked out perfectly after I was sure the system was going to fail him. Organizations worked together and came up with a solution that was in the best interest of the CHILD and his family, regardless of cost and time constraints. It was incredible. I have some renewed faith.
4. I finally made it to McMaster Children's Hospital to donate some of Brennan's old toys and his birthday money to the Ronald McDonald Room in the children's unit. Earlier that day, I passed on my hospital parking passes to strangers. I bought a toaster oven for the kids at work. It felt great to give.
5. Steve installed our new microwave and the stove doesn't fit anymore so that means I get a new one :)
6. I ate lunch at work this week. Every day. Only one day was during the actual lunch hour, but that's one hell of an improvement from 2011!
7. I've done well so far with my January resolution of watching my spending. A couple of 'not completely necessaries', but overall, a huge improvement. I'm contemplating what to choose for February...
8. Brennan put a diaper on Elmo today and then asked me if I wanted him to put one on me! He slept with me all week and we held hands. He counted 7 cars today. He yells, "Yeah laundry" when I bring out the baskets and offers to help unload the dishwasher EVERY time.
9. I feel an urge to be creative. To pull out my scrapbooking box - the one I started while on mat leave. This may very well be surfacing since report cards and IEPs are due soon. The ever popular Pinterest site I just learned about could also be a new outlet.
10. A great football game just ended and I had time to watch it. The Bailey's and Peppermint Schnapps I'm sipping right now is delightful. The soft glow of candles on my dust, crumb, and toy-free table is calming. My pjs are warm. I am happy.
2. I made time for ME this week. With Steve on nights and Brennan in bed on time, I poured myself some wine (because it's good for your heart you know) and read my Book Club book. The dishes sat until i was ready. So did the laundry. I finished the book (and coincidentally the dishes and laundry) which is great because I hadn't finished the last two on time. The best part of finishing the book is the 'meeting' with delicious food, cute toddlers making a huge mess and screaming with delight as they chase each other around, and talking with a group of some of the most amazing women I've ever met.
3. A stressful and sad situation with one of my students worked out perfectly after I was sure the system was going to fail him. Organizations worked together and came up with a solution that was in the best interest of the CHILD and his family, regardless of cost and time constraints. It was incredible. I have some renewed faith.
4. I finally made it to McMaster Children's Hospital to donate some of Brennan's old toys and his birthday money to the Ronald McDonald Room in the children's unit. Earlier that day, I passed on my hospital parking passes to strangers. I bought a toaster oven for the kids at work. It felt great to give.
5. Steve installed our new microwave and the stove doesn't fit anymore so that means I get a new one :)
6. I ate lunch at work this week. Every day. Only one day was during the actual lunch hour, but that's one hell of an improvement from 2011!
7. I've done well so far with my January resolution of watching my spending. A couple of 'not completely necessaries', but overall, a huge improvement. I'm contemplating what to choose for February...
8. Brennan put a diaper on Elmo today and then asked me if I wanted him to put one on me! He slept with me all week and we held hands. He counted 7 cars today. He yells, "Yeah laundry" when I bring out the baskets and offers to help unload the dishwasher EVERY time.
9. I feel an urge to be creative. To pull out my scrapbooking box - the one I started while on mat leave. This may very well be surfacing since report cards and IEPs are due soon. The ever popular Pinterest site I just learned about could also be a new outlet.
10. A great football game just ended and I had time to watch it. The Bailey's and Peppermint Schnapps I'm sipping right now is delightful. The soft glow of candles on my dust, crumb, and toy-free table is calming. My pjs are warm. I am happy.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Is it Time to Settle?
I've always struggled with what the difference is between settling and lowering expectations. I've been told more than a million times that my expectations are way too high. For pretty much everything and everyone - work, relationships, friends, family, co-workers, my students, and of course myself. I was reminded today of my little conundrum; of whether I'm unrealistic or if I'm just not 'seasoned' enough to know when it's not worth the fight. It absolutely baffles me.
The lack of resources, money, and support out there for families. It brings me to tears. The unbelieveably high mental health rates amongst children today. In this region. In this country. Everyone always says, "Back in my day, kids didn't have all these problems." But did they? Did we not know? Were they segregated? Are we just more aware now, more educated, or is there something in the environment causing predispositions? I fear that society so utterly messed up that what these kids and their families go through is now actually acceptable.
Please tell me I'm wrong.
Please tell me that there will be more money to help them. There will be more doctors and better interventions and therapies and mandatory training for caregivers and teachers to help them to help these kids. Not everyone is going to research on their own, nor will they know what to do with the information. I want to live in a community where when a parent says they need help, they want help - that there will be someone to give it to them. And that when an adult neglects a child that someone is also there to make damned sure those kids get what they need. Someone just tell me that waiting lists will be less than a year for SOMETHING. Just ONE service. Doesn't anyone high up there in the political or medical world realize these kids are our future and if they are not receiving interventions early enough, it could be too late for them. And for us.
While you're at it, fill me in on when it became acceptable to say, "Well that's just the way it is. There's nothing we can do. That's not our job." When exactly did villages stop raising children? When did it become socially acceptable to not help your neighbour? To turn your back on your family?
Are my standards too high? If it's an uphill battle that will never be won, then how did any social or humanitarian movement fulfill it's goal to bring about change? At what point is one to give up or settle for having 'done their job' when their 'job' is nowhere near enough. Too many kids, not enough money, not enough resources, not enough doctors. The list of ways we're failing our children as a society goes on and on. Yep, environment is an issue, yep there are not so great parents out there, but who comes in to end the blaming game? The only one who loses is the kid.
My brand new teacher, I'm-going-to-save-the-world-one-child-at-a-time glasses, well those were broken years ago. I now have accepted that I cannot fix them all, certainly not by myself. I've also learned that it's sure as hell not within me to just stop trying! I'm constantly told I should do what I can in the 6 hours I have them each day and hope that I've made a difference. I think inthere lies the problem. After a few years, it just is expected that those "I will make a difference. A real difference" type of attitudes, well, you just learn there are too many and not enough of you. On my long, hard days I feel that maybe they are right.
And then I see my students and their smiles and I get their hugs and I see the hope in their eyes...the pleading for me to take control for them and make them safe, just for a little while. People say they don't know how I teach the class I do. That if they got paid double, they'd never do it. They just couldn't - the defiance, disrespect, foul language, the destruction, the violence...day in and day out. I have days where I think I can't either. I'm not naive or egocentric enough to think that there aren't people out there who could do a better job than I, because I know there are.
When do my high expectations for the care of my students become TOO high?
And at what point do I settle into accepting what I know deep down somewhere in my stubborn nature, what they already know?
Then I think you know what? They're the ones who are wrong. Expectations for all children should be high, for their care at home, in the medical community, the social community, and the school community. I remember being told many times..."uh there's no way they can do that activity." There were some art lessons that yep, not a chance. But there were many others in Language and Math and you know what, most of them did! Never before had they, but I didn't give up and they worked their angry "I hate you Miss Hall. This is stupid" tails off and they often shocked themselves with all they could do. Without high expectations, where would we be?
So I think I'll just stock up on wine and try to make it to the gym (hoping for sanity here), and I'm going to keep those expectations of mine high. Many say to set them lower so that I won't be so disappointed or burn out too fast. I've worked on setting more appropriate academic ones, learned to be more flexible, but I will NOT lower my expectations for adults. I will continue to fight for my kids and I will work to raise THEIR expectations, because it's not about me being disappointed...it's the kids that suffer.
I'm not much of a settler. Anyone who really makes a difference never is. (My friend said I should give myself more credit, so I just did. For her.) My teaching partner said, "Wow! I ran most of the class today and what you do is hard. At the end of the day, I just wanted to sit down." That was one of the most meaningful compliments for me. So thank you for that Kim.
If you're looking for a new charity or cause to support, consider Mental Health Associations in your area. Let's get these kids and their families some help. No one should be told there's nothing out there for them while they wait on wait lists.
The lack of resources, money, and support out there for families. It brings me to tears. The unbelieveably high mental health rates amongst children today. In this region. In this country. Everyone always says, "Back in my day, kids didn't have all these problems." But did they? Did we not know? Were they segregated? Are we just more aware now, more educated, or is there something in the environment causing predispositions? I fear that society so utterly messed up that what these kids and their families go through is now actually acceptable.
Please tell me I'm wrong.
Please tell me that there will be more money to help them. There will be more doctors and better interventions and therapies and mandatory training for caregivers and teachers to help them to help these kids. Not everyone is going to research on their own, nor will they know what to do with the information. I want to live in a community where when a parent says they need help, they want help - that there will be someone to give it to them. And that when an adult neglects a child that someone is also there to make damned sure those kids get what they need. Someone just tell me that waiting lists will be less than a year for SOMETHING. Just ONE service. Doesn't anyone high up there in the political or medical world realize these kids are our future and if they are not receiving interventions early enough, it could be too late for them. And for us.
While you're at it, fill me in on when it became acceptable to say, "Well that's just the way it is. There's nothing we can do. That's not our job." When exactly did villages stop raising children? When did it become socially acceptable to not help your neighbour? To turn your back on your family?
Are my standards too high? If it's an uphill battle that will never be won, then how did any social or humanitarian movement fulfill it's goal to bring about change? At what point is one to give up or settle for having 'done their job' when their 'job' is nowhere near enough. Too many kids, not enough money, not enough resources, not enough doctors. The list of ways we're failing our children as a society goes on and on. Yep, environment is an issue, yep there are not so great parents out there, but who comes in to end the blaming game? The only one who loses is the kid.
My brand new teacher, I'm-going-to-save-the-world-one-child-at-a-time glasses, well those were broken years ago. I now have accepted that I cannot fix them all, certainly not by myself. I've also learned that it's sure as hell not within me to just stop trying! I'm constantly told I should do what I can in the 6 hours I have them each day and hope that I've made a difference. I think inthere lies the problem. After a few years, it just is expected that those "I will make a difference. A real difference" type of attitudes, well, you just learn there are too many and not enough of you. On my long, hard days I feel that maybe they are right.
And then I see my students and their smiles and I get their hugs and I see the hope in their eyes...the pleading for me to take control for them and make them safe, just for a little while. People say they don't know how I teach the class I do. That if they got paid double, they'd never do it. They just couldn't - the defiance, disrespect, foul language, the destruction, the violence...day in and day out. I have days where I think I can't either. I'm not naive or egocentric enough to think that there aren't people out there who could do a better job than I, because I know there are.
When do my high expectations for the care of my students become TOO high?
And at what point do I settle into accepting what I know deep down somewhere in my stubborn nature, what they already know?
Then I think you know what? They're the ones who are wrong. Expectations for all children should be high, for their care at home, in the medical community, the social community, and the school community. I remember being told many times..."uh there's no way they can do that activity." There were some art lessons that yep, not a chance. But there were many others in Language and Math and you know what, most of them did! Never before had they, but I didn't give up and they worked their angry "I hate you Miss Hall. This is stupid" tails off and they often shocked themselves with all they could do. Without high expectations, where would we be?
So I think I'll just stock up on wine and try to make it to the gym (hoping for sanity here), and I'm going to keep those expectations of mine high. Many say to set them lower so that I won't be so disappointed or burn out too fast. I've worked on setting more appropriate academic ones, learned to be more flexible, but I will NOT lower my expectations for adults. I will continue to fight for my kids and I will work to raise THEIR expectations, because it's not about me being disappointed...it's the kids that suffer.
I'm not much of a settler. Anyone who really makes a difference never is. (My friend said I should give myself more credit, so I just did. For her.) My teaching partner said, "Wow! I ran most of the class today and what you do is hard. At the end of the day, I just wanted to sit down." That was one of the most meaningful compliments for me. So thank you for that Kim.
If you're looking for a new charity or cause to support, consider Mental Health Associations in your area. Let's get these kids and their families some help. No one should be told there's nothing out there for them while they wait on wait lists.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Transitions and Work
Tomorrow is back to work. I've just started to get into the groove of being at home and relaxing, and now it's time to switch back. I always have a hard time with transitions. I envy those who can instantly shut off the 'work' hat or the 'parent' hat and be ready to party as soon as it's time. I take at least a week, and probably a few hours of organizing or cleaning, or some other form of controlling like list making.
I became aware of what I was doing last summer when we got to the cottage. I spent the first few hours unpacking, reorganizing, and cleaning. I don't like change, especially in my environment, so to make myself feel more in control and secure, I pull out all aspects of my OCD and I let them shine, much to everyone else's dismay, as they just want to relax and I'm running around like a chicken with her head cut off.
I was embarrassed once I realized what I was doing and why I was doing it. Now I understand that there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I am who I am. I cannot change the way my brain chemistry is made up. I will not apologize for doing what I need to do to make myself comfortable. I will not falter when people make fun of my OCD traits. That's too easy. Instead I will be honest about them and I will advocate for those who can't. I always tell my students that it's ok to be who they are and to need what they need, as long as they are respectful in doing so. And those who cannot accept their differences, aren't worth their time. And they likely have some self-esteem issues to deal with - maybe they have their own issue their are hiding.
It's easy to judge others. It's often impossible to walk in their shoes though, to really understand what they go through, or why they think what they think, why they do what they do. Instead; be supportive, don't make fun of them, think before laughing at their differences, even if you're just kidding around. Instead, embrace their quirks as strengths and recognize that the world needs all types of people to go around. Wouldn't the world be a better place?
I've grown over the years and don't struggle as much with the regularly scheduled changes that come with being a teacher. The anxiety is not as bad but it still takes me a while to wind down. It doesn't, however, take me as long to get back into it. But that's likely because I rarely shut off my 'work' brain. I'm still thinking about my students at the end of July. And thinking of students I taught 7 years ago, wondering how they are doing...
As I mentioned before, tomorrow is a full moon. Wish me luck as we go through another transition at work with staff and programming. With having 7 kids who also don't transition well after just a 2 day weekend...forget 2 weeks off! I have my gym bag ready for a good day where I have enough energy to consider getting back into it after 2 months off (gasp); a bottle of wine for the day I might have, and plenty of martini recipies for the full-moon-Monday-after-2-weeks-off-for-an-exciting-but-stressful-holiday-like-Christmas kind of day I am expecting to have.
Thank you 2 weeks off. I enjoyed you thoroughly.
I became aware of what I was doing last summer when we got to the cottage. I spent the first few hours unpacking, reorganizing, and cleaning. I don't like change, especially in my environment, so to make myself feel more in control and secure, I pull out all aspects of my OCD and I let them shine, much to everyone else's dismay, as they just want to relax and I'm running around like a chicken with her head cut off.
I was embarrassed once I realized what I was doing and why I was doing it. Now I understand that there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I am who I am. I cannot change the way my brain chemistry is made up. I will not apologize for doing what I need to do to make myself comfortable. I will not falter when people make fun of my OCD traits. That's too easy. Instead I will be honest about them and I will advocate for those who can't. I always tell my students that it's ok to be who they are and to need what they need, as long as they are respectful in doing so. And those who cannot accept their differences, aren't worth their time. And they likely have some self-esteem issues to deal with - maybe they have their own issue their are hiding.
It's easy to judge others. It's often impossible to walk in their shoes though, to really understand what they go through, or why they think what they think, why they do what they do. Instead; be supportive, don't make fun of them, think before laughing at their differences, even if you're just kidding around. Instead, embrace their quirks as strengths and recognize that the world needs all types of people to go around. Wouldn't the world be a better place?
I've grown over the years and don't struggle as much with the regularly scheduled changes that come with being a teacher. The anxiety is not as bad but it still takes me a while to wind down. It doesn't, however, take me as long to get back into it. But that's likely because I rarely shut off my 'work' brain. I'm still thinking about my students at the end of July. And thinking of students I taught 7 years ago, wondering how they are doing...
As I mentioned before, tomorrow is a full moon. Wish me luck as we go through another transition at work with staff and programming. With having 7 kids who also don't transition well after just a 2 day weekend...forget 2 weeks off! I have my gym bag ready for a good day where I have enough energy to consider getting back into it after 2 months off (gasp); a bottle of wine for the day I might have, and plenty of martini recipies for the full-moon-Monday-after-2-weeks-off-for-an-exciting-but-stressful-holiday-like-Christmas kind of day I am expecting to have.
Thank you 2 weeks off. I enjoyed you thoroughly.
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