Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Signs
Today I saw little green plants sprouting from the garden on my way into work. I am choosing to ignore the impending snowstorm we're supposed to get in the next 24 hours and instead am going to focus on the signs of Spring. Longer days. March Break. And little green sprouts.
Monday, 18 February 2013
A Door with Two Sides
December 17th. That was the last time I wrote. An endless stream of thoughts have filtered in and out of my brain in the past two months, some of which have prompted an almost-post but most went out as fast as they came in. Each of these thoughts had an underlying theme, even if I had to stretch the connections just so to make them link together...they all came back to change.
A heavy word change. To recognize the need for change would be the first step to making a change, correct? After months of denial and slight-to-moderate desires to make said change there comes a point when you actually have to do something in order to facilitate a change. A change in lifestyle or attitude or career or laundry detergent. The opportunities for change are endless and I think that there is an inherent power in making change that gives us the strength and courage to make more changes.
The closest almost-post had a title that I remembered until I just went to write it. It's gone now but I know it had to do with being fed up with a less than desirable lifestyle, one filled with lists, busy days, lack of energy, and stress. In writing the descriptors, it's come back to me. I was going to call it: There Has to be a Better Way. An on-going internal struggle for years, particularly since having Brennan, I've not been able to find a balance. It's said that this is common for new mothers especially those that work full time - how do you prioritize and juggle being everything to everyone and making time for yourself? "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others." I'd like to tell whoever created that little piece of wisdom to shove it because to truly take care of myself the way I feel I really need to in order to be what I need or want to be to everyone, including myself, well it's not possible.
A close second almost-post would have been called If... and in it I would have written what I would do if I had an endless supply of money and time which would really be the catalyst to the utopian lifestyle I am craving. The list doesn't entail traveling the world or buying fancy cars, rather it would detail a plan of true health and well-being with massages, yoga, chiropractic, therapy (both cognitive and retail!), tea, and a house somewhere without power lines and billboards.
You see, I have been longing for solitude and a peaceful easy way of life as of late. In daydreaming of a less complicated world, I have to add a disclaimer that I am not ungrateful for what I have and do not for one minute take what is in my life for granted, but I do feel that there has to be more and not just for me, but for society. We live in such a fast-paced, media-driven, money-hungry individualistic culture that I think we have lost sight of the beauty of quiet, nature, and reflection. When was the last time you sat in a quiet room with no t.v., no iPhone, no music? Just the idea of having that time where my thoughts were allowed to roam....scary.
Last year I went on a 5-week no sugar/junk food challenge that turned into limited dairy and gluten followed by no meat. It lasted a few months before I went away to the cottage and at that point it became too much work. I brought all of my 'special' food with me but living with 8 other people who were eating all the things I wasn't became difficult. I felt secluded (not by the people I was with) but by my choices because they meant extra time in the kitchen and I didn't want to bother. It was just a few days. But those few days restarted me into a terrible eating pattern. The humidity was oppressive as usual in Niagara so I had stopped running at the beginning of July. Insert downhill slide and six months later here I am: 2 sizes larger, 10 pounds heavier, weak, tired, and unhappy. I didn't renew my gym membership because I hadn't gone even when I had it. I stopped eating well because back to school came so I was stress eating, then Halloween and the holidays provided extra delicious treats. Hello 2013! Maybe I will set a New Years Resolution? But even that sounded like too much work. Despite having wanted to make a change for many months now, being in the sluggish state I have put myself into in addition to being the all-or-nothing type of person that I am, I just haven't done it. I like to have a plan all laid out so that I know the rules and a 5-week no sugar challenge wasn't going to cut it this time. Exhausting. I need a major life overhaul.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tonight I went to my first meditation class at my sister-in-law's spa. Meditation has been recommended to me by more people than I can remember due to my rather Type A, OCD, anxiety-ridden personality and a rapid lifestyle that I am slowly shutting myself down from. I think back to before having Brennan when I worked as a full-time teacher in a demanding Behaviour Class and worked part-time as a server at Boston Pizza AND took 2 courses for my Honours degree at Brock. Some weeks I clocked over 80 hours with the above and I still managed to sleep my coveted 10 hours a night. Although my social life was non-existent for a while, I felt happy and fulfilled, being able to be give what I wanted to each of these areas and pay down my $11 000 line of credit in 10 months while renting an apartment and paying tuition. How the hell did I do that? There isn't enough RedBull on this Earth that would allow me to do that at this ripe old age of 31. Back to meditation - we had to place an item in the middle that most represented ourselves and why we were there so I put my cellphone. It has my very full calendar in it and the internet is where I spend an embarrassing amount of my free time. We were given a meditation journal to use as a reflection tool which instantly made me smile as a little known secret is that I have a strange attraction to journals. I have a few blank ones and a few that I've started, none that I've finished, yet I want to buy them whenever I see them. Sometimes I think they are just too pretty to write in. Most of the time I think what I would write would be worthless, which is why I like the computer - the backspace button is much more aesthetically pleasing than whiteout. After each exercise tonight we were supposed to take a minute to write our thoughts down. I only wrote two things. The first being the title of a lifestyle change I want to make and the second was about the door.
I remember guided imagery from when I was in high school. Unbeknownst to me I was placed in the gifted program by my grade 8 teacher and during these gifted periods where we were encouraged to think outside the box, we started each class off with Mrs. Papinou opening our minds with guided imagery. If I remember correctly, she had a love for taking us to the beach with a dog. Such shenanigans are no longer allowed in public schools because heaven forbid a teacher guides a student in the wrong direction. Our last journey tonight was down a long hallway toward a door. My door was white and wooden with a bright light beaming through its cracks. We opened the door and were taken through a beautiful garden to a purifying waterfall. Walking back I noticed my door was no longer white. It had become dark grey. And it was made of steel. I don't know what that means but I doubt it takes a dream interpreter or colour expert to decipher that the door back to my reality was not pretty! And so clearly I need to take a step back and make some serious changes. Because I liked the white wooden door.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I came home and instead of pouring myself a glass of wine I made herbal tea in my favourite mug that looks something like this:
And then I downloaded this cd:
And I wrote.
A heavy word change. To recognize the need for change would be the first step to making a change, correct? After months of denial and slight-to-moderate desires to make said change there comes a point when you actually have to do something in order to facilitate a change. A change in lifestyle or attitude or career or laundry detergent. The opportunities for change are endless and I think that there is an inherent power in making change that gives us the strength and courage to make more changes.
The closest almost-post had a title that I remembered until I just went to write it. It's gone now but I know it had to do with being fed up with a less than desirable lifestyle, one filled with lists, busy days, lack of energy, and stress. In writing the descriptors, it's come back to me. I was going to call it: There Has to be a Better Way. An on-going internal struggle for years, particularly since having Brennan, I've not been able to find a balance. It's said that this is common for new mothers especially those that work full time - how do you prioritize and juggle being everything to everyone and making time for yourself? "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others." I'd like to tell whoever created that little piece of wisdom to shove it because to truly take care of myself the way I feel I really need to in order to be what I need or want to be to everyone, including myself, well it's not possible.
A close second almost-post would have been called If... and in it I would have written what I would do if I had an endless supply of money and time which would really be the catalyst to the utopian lifestyle I am craving. The list doesn't entail traveling the world or buying fancy cars, rather it would detail a plan of true health and well-being with massages, yoga, chiropractic, therapy (both cognitive and retail!), tea, and a house somewhere without power lines and billboards.
You see, I have been longing for solitude and a peaceful easy way of life as of late. In daydreaming of a less complicated world, I have to add a disclaimer that I am not ungrateful for what I have and do not for one minute take what is in my life for granted, but I do feel that there has to be more and not just for me, but for society. We live in such a fast-paced, media-driven, money-hungry individualistic culture that I think we have lost sight of the beauty of quiet, nature, and reflection. When was the last time you sat in a quiet room with no t.v., no iPhone, no music? Just the idea of having that time where my thoughts were allowed to roam....scary.
Last year I went on a 5-week no sugar/junk food challenge that turned into limited dairy and gluten followed by no meat. It lasted a few months before I went away to the cottage and at that point it became too much work. I brought all of my 'special' food with me but living with 8 other people who were eating all the things I wasn't became difficult. I felt secluded (not by the people I was with) but by my choices because they meant extra time in the kitchen and I didn't want to bother. It was just a few days. But those few days restarted me into a terrible eating pattern. The humidity was oppressive as usual in Niagara so I had stopped running at the beginning of July. Insert downhill slide and six months later here I am: 2 sizes larger, 10 pounds heavier, weak, tired, and unhappy. I didn't renew my gym membership because I hadn't gone even when I had it. I stopped eating well because back to school came so I was stress eating, then Halloween and the holidays provided extra delicious treats. Hello 2013! Maybe I will set a New Years Resolution? But even that sounded like too much work. Despite having wanted to make a change for many months now, being in the sluggish state I have put myself into in addition to being the all-or-nothing type of person that I am, I just haven't done it. I like to have a plan all laid out so that I know the rules and a 5-week no sugar challenge wasn't going to cut it this time. Exhausting. I need a major life overhaul.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tonight I went to my first meditation class at my sister-in-law's spa. Meditation has been recommended to me by more people than I can remember due to my rather Type A, OCD, anxiety-ridden personality and a rapid lifestyle that I am slowly shutting myself down from. I think back to before having Brennan when I worked as a full-time teacher in a demanding Behaviour Class and worked part-time as a server at Boston Pizza AND took 2 courses for my Honours degree at Brock. Some weeks I clocked over 80 hours with the above and I still managed to sleep my coveted 10 hours a night. Although my social life was non-existent for a while, I felt happy and fulfilled, being able to be give what I wanted to each of these areas and pay down my $11 000 line of credit in 10 months while renting an apartment and paying tuition. How the hell did I do that? There isn't enough RedBull on this Earth that would allow me to do that at this ripe old age of 31. Back to meditation - we had to place an item in the middle that most represented ourselves and why we were there so I put my cellphone. It has my very full calendar in it and the internet is where I spend an embarrassing amount of my free time. We were given a meditation journal to use as a reflection tool which instantly made me smile as a little known secret is that I have a strange attraction to journals. I have a few blank ones and a few that I've started, none that I've finished, yet I want to buy them whenever I see them. Sometimes I think they are just too pretty to write in. Most of the time I think what I would write would be worthless, which is why I like the computer - the backspace button is much more aesthetically pleasing than whiteout. After each exercise tonight we were supposed to take a minute to write our thoughts down. I only wrote two things. The first being the title of a lifestyle change I want to make and the second was about the door.
I remember guided imagery from when I was in high school. Unbeknownst to me I was placed in the gifted program by my grade 8 teacher and during these gifted periods where we were encouraged to think outside the box, we started each class off with Mrs. Papinou opening our minds with guided imagery. If I remember correctly, she had a love for taking us to the beach with a dog. Such shenanigans are no longer allowed in public schools because heaven forbid a teacher guides a student in the wrong direction. Our last journey tonight was down a long hallway toward a door. My door was white and wooden with a bright light beaming through its cracks. We opened the door and were taken through a beautiful garden to a purifying waterfall. Walking back I noticed my door was no longer white. It had become dark grey. And it was made of steel. I don't know what that means but I doubt it takes a dream interpreter or colour expert to decipher that the door back to my reality was not pretty! And so clearly I need to take a step back and make some serious changes. Because I liked the white wooden door.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I came home and instead of pouring myself a glass of wine I made herbal tea in my favourite mug that looks something like this:
And then I downloaded this cd:
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