My Unicorn

     I opened the mailbox one October afternoon and pulled out the November/December issue of Psychology Today, the cover of which boasted 6 Strategies to Restart Your Life. LET IT GO. The first thing that came to mind of course were the lyrics of the Frozen song. Following that? A soft, "I wish" as I tossed it into my overflowing basket of unread magazines.

     Through a series of rather debilitating physical and mental health ailments, I have been off of work for almost two months. Being off work is not something that I do, not even in the summer when I'm supposed to be lazy: I don't shut my brain off of what needs to be done, what should be done or what could be done, and I certainly don't shut my heart off from my kids who I love despite the full-moon-short-week-indoor-recess days when they drive me to drink more than my fair share of wine. My work is all consuming and has been at the core of my Type-A personality for as long as I can remember. It drives me and gives me purpose. Right or wrong, I have always been more of a 'live to work' person than a 'work to live' person. Until now that is when I'm trying to live in order to get back to work. 

     I rejoined the gym after at least two years of absence in hopes of gaining back the energy, stamina, and good endorphins needed to get myself to a functional state of existence. When I first started going I was in a such a state of physical and mental exhaustion that I could barely bring myself to walk on the treadmill. Instead I opted for the much more relaxing looking stationary bike. With it's somewhat reclined seat and an easy resistance level, reading was a perfect way to pass the time while I was pretending to work out. 

    A few health magazines later, my blonde friend from October (you know, the one who knew how to LET IT GO) appeared at the top of my basket. The article itself was interesting but it wasn't the one that really resonated with me and if I'm being honest, it probably won't for a while because even though I understand the power of choice and beauty of letting 'it' go, I'm not ready. And I've got a hell of a lot to let go. Searching for the Self, And Other Unicorns was a rant piece written by a professor of philosophy and gender studies who expressed her disdain for the shameful way self-help books lead us lost hopefuls to find our 'authentic self' which conveniently is weighed down by a variety of experiences, disappointments and suffering. She argues that the search for the authentic self is not buried under years of life's ups and downs and that the search for the authentic self is, "…as likely to succeed as a quest to capture a unicorn." Well, if nothing else, I love a good challenge.

     I started to think about authenticity and as I progressed through the magazine which had a recurring theme of being true to one's self, I felt like maybe they knew what I've been avoiding admitting for a long time. I got that "ah shit" feeling in my stomach; the 'they caught me red handed', 'they're onto me', 'who told them?' feeling of dread because here was my sign and they posted it just for ME. I am certainly leading a less than authentic life. The gig was up. It was time to start some soul searching…and why not, I had nothing but time.

     When I turned the page Dr. O'Connor went on to dispel the myth of the authentic self - the one I just moments before vowed to start finding after I was finished pretending I was actually working out. She said the 'authentic self' did not exist and we only have an 'experiencing self'; a self that is a dynamic work in progress that can only be understood in relation to others and the world. Now what was I to do? I didn't take philosophy in university for the simple reason that there is never a right answer and I like right answers. I'm not a fan of grey. I love psychology and science and math because they make sense to me. What really was I supposed to be looking for to rid myself of that feeling in the pit of my stomach?

     Since picking up that issue I've further read about finding one's true self, being an authentic person, creating a state of homeostasis or balance in life, minimalism, surviving in 21st century life. Anxiety. I've not written a formal lab report, but I can confidently state that my hypothesis was correct and I can make the conclusion: I am lost. 

     Whether my unicorn is 'authentic' or 'experiencing', it is certainly missing. I have never been good at balancing and for the years of abuse I have put my mind and body through, I am now paying the price in all aspects of life. I don't know how I'm going to find it given my track record with geography, but I guess that's why the GPS was invented. Or the self-help book.

Girl on the Beach
by Edvard Munsch

Scream
by Edvard Munsch

And so begins my quest to find the proverbial unicorn of authenticity, the one that belongs to me and creates a lifestyle less like Scream and more like Girl on the Beach. 

I welcome you on my journey and hope  that we find the courage to  become true to who we are and how we want to live because life is too short to pretend we are something we're not. 

If I Ruled the World...

...of Education I would:

- make class sizes smaller. Primary would have no more than 15, junior no more than 20, and intermediate no more than 25. Class sizes are huge at some schools and despite this 'new research' that the government says indicates that children can learn regardless of the class size, I strongly disagree. A teacher cannot teach children to the fullest extent with the huge diversity of children and disproportionate number of unsupported children with complex diagnoses.

- give each class would have an Educational Assistant to help children who needed it. Some kids just need that help to be successful. Some need movement breaks. Some need to work elsewhere. Last time I checked, one adult cannot be split into a million pieces. Teachers need the support to do their jobs and supervise students properly.

- split grades would not exist. Not only is it not fair to the students but it is also unfair to the teacher who has to do twice the amount of work for the same amount of pay and prep periods as a teacher in a straight grade. Differentiation is not the same as teaching two curriculums.

- make sure kids had phys ed every day. They need the movement and something needs to be done about childhood obesity.

- reinstate specialist teachers for the Arts and Phys Ed/Health. The master of all trades cannot be an expert in them all.

- insist on higher qualifications for teachers in special education roles. And give them proper and adequate support as they teach the most vulnerable of our children.

- make support services within the community mandatory for at-risk children. I'd reduce wait lists by having more specialized support workers/teachers available to children so they aren't on a 3-year wait period.

- give every school a vice principal because no teacher should have to teach their class AND cover the office duties at the same time.

- reinstate workshops during school time. Doing extra workshops to continue and support learning is important. Not everyone can make their schedules work to go after hours.

- change the course of non-existent discipline. Children have too much power and get away with way too much these days. Teachers are there to teach, not babysit and discipline all day. It's not fair to the other students.

- give each student a netbook or iPad so that they can be the '21st century learners' that we're supposed to be fostering.

- change the report card to be easier to understand. I'd eliminate EQAO and replace it with more efficient, applicable standardized testing.

And so there you have it. If I ruled the world...education would be in a much better state. It would be billions more in debt...but it would be awesome.

There Are Always Two Sides

Since posting last and as my obsession with the food industry grows, I've watched 2 more documentaries:

Here's what stood out from Hungry for Change:

- if you're not getting the specific nutrients your body needs in a way that it can easily digest it, then you're starving on a nutritional basis. You could eat 10 000 calories a day and still be hungry because your cells aren't getting the nourishment they need so they tell your brain you are still hungry.

- the will of self-responsibility is what is lacking in today's society. Steve and I have talked about this, why people smoke when they know it's bad for them, why we eat junk when we know it's bad for us, why people don't exercise when they know it's good for them. Why do we as a culture do that? We know what is best for us and what is bad for us, but we ignore the information we have. We know why we shouldn't do it but we have no idea why we're are doing it.

- MSG is in 80% of modern day processed foods. This chemical makes your brain want more food so you eat more than you need.

- 75 000 synthetic chemicals have been produced since 1940

- This is my favourite piece of information:  the skin is the last organ to get nutrition so if the skin is healthy then you know the nutrients have gotten everywhere else. Right now my skin, hair, and nails are in the best condition they have been in every (aside from when I was pregnant).

I watched Genetic Roulette and learned:

- our bodies aren't ready for GMOs because the flora in our gut cannot activate them properly for digestion.
- GMO pesticide (roundup ready crops - herbicide) in food was found in 93% of pregnant women and 80% of their fetuses (Canadian study). These crops are nutritionally deficient and contain glyphosate which causes birth defects. Lab animals fed GMO soy had significant fertility issues, higher infant mortality rates. It was suggested that this is why we have seen such an Increase in fertility clinics in the past few decades.
- Leaky Gut is on the rise which is when food leaks into our bloodstream and antibodies are created against this food which leads to allergies and food intolerances. I cannot count how many conversations I've had where we wonder why everyone has so many allergies these days when we didn't know anyone allergic to peanuts or milk growing up. Maybe this is why? Doctors were saying that their patients' symptoms to allergies diminished when prescribed a non-GMO/organic diet. I have had allergies and asthma my whole life, severe when I was a child. I've outgrown my asthma, only having a minor attack here and there or if I have a bad chest cold but my allergies are always awful outside of winter. I haven't had to take a single allergy pill this Spring. I'm using taking 1 a day just to get by!
- animals who eat GMOs show Autistic traits such as anti-social behaviours and inflamed intestines which are similar to gut issues with children who have ASD. Modifying their diet to change their micro-flora can help, especially with behaviour.
- rGBH (bovine growth hormone) is a growth hormone in American milk. Walmart and Starbucks have banned any milk products containing it. It is also banned in 27 countries. Researchers believe this banning in major stores happened because of the increased knowledge that the public now has and they refused to buy milk with it in it. What consumers want, companies will provide. Demand for more organic and non-GMO items has made many companies change their formulas and practices. "While you can't control what was bought yesterday, by choosing non-GMO today will affect what you will be able to buy in the future."
- kids are more sensitive to GMOs bc their cells grow quicker than adults, they have higher respiratory rates, their immune systems are still developing, etc.
- I liked this quote: "Just because science can do something doesn't mean it should."
- research isn't allowed on GMO seeds unless it is conducted by the companies who produce them, like Monsanto. If an outside researcher tries, pressure from these companies ends up stopping the research. They get fired, their reputation is destroyed, companies threatens to sue, etc. In my mind, if there's nothing wrong with GMOs, why can't a third party do research on them? If it's not a problem to eat them, then why not label them so that the consumer can make their own choices?

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So I'm all happy on my organic/non-GMO train when a respected friend who is a nurse, yoga instructor, and certified trainer sent me an article that she received from a friend who has her PhD in a science related field. They had had a conversation about this topic recently and she thought I'd be interested in the article. It was entitled Is Organic Agriculture "Affluent Narcissism?"

http://www.forbes.com/sites/henrymiller/2012/11/07/organic-agricultures-bitter-taste-or-is-organic-agriculture-affluent-narcissism/


Needless to say I was rather confused. Everything I had been reading and watching, what I thought was well-cited information, was being totally negated in this article. I emailed it to my naturopath who responded by saying that:

- There is so much research out there that any side can be supported if the writer knows where to look.  He really echoes the argument I've heard/read many times against organic farming.  That being said… he's also pro-GMO so this guy has a bias, obviously.

- he has a couple of things that are helping his argument: 

            1) There really isn't a lot of research on organic food and health.  It's a new area of study and it won't be for another 20 years before we fully understand the positive impact it has.  

            2) Not all organic farms are created the same.  Not all organic farming practices and their produce can be painted with the same brush… it's like comparing apples to oranges.  He doesn't mention it, but he should… and at least give credit to the farmers who are doing it right and providing healthier produce for consumers.

- Every point in his article can be debated.  I'm sure the people at the Environmental Working Group (EWG) and Environmental Health Perspectives (EHP magazine) would easily disprove his argument with what their researchers keep finding over and over again in the field of Environmental Health.

- When it comes to organics, I do suggest "middle of the road" approach.  Using EWG's "Dirty Dozen" list, buy those veggies and fruit organic because these have been found to have the highest chemical profiles.  Everything else can be purchased regularly (EWG also has a "Clean 15" list of produce that have lowest levels).

I have a friend who since getting to know her, has really made me be more cognizant about what I buy and where I buy it from. I try to buy local when I can and also to go to family owned or small scale stores/restaurants even though they usually cost more. Her family has been involved in farming for many years and they own a fabulous winery here in Niagara. She very much supports buying local and has talked to me before about the pesticides used in organic farms. One thing I learned from the article above and from her is the use of copper and the differences in practice that can occur between various organic farms. 

I asked my chiropractor yesterday what his thoughts were on organic food and he said he wished that they were more regulated and that it doesn't seem to be worth the price hike for food that ripens on it's way here. The food is not as nutritionally dense as local. 

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I still go back to my university learnings about being critical of information before making a decision. Here's where my brain is sitting now:

     - I think all studies have flaws and that longitudinal studies take so long that we cannot reap the benefits of this research until it is too late.

     - I don't think qualitative research is given enough clout. 

     - Books and documentaries about Canadian food regulations are much harder to find compared to American. 

     - I think companies and marketers do an outstanding job advertising their products and are not beneath misleading claims to make money. Not all companies have the health of their customers at the top of their priority list. That being said, not all of them claim to either. 

     - I am going to refocus my shopping to prioritize local food and then organics based on the EWG's list, which is something I've seen referenced many times throughout the literature. I will continue to look for grass fed, hormone-free meat for my family even though I know those terms can be used as loosely as organic. It eases my mind even though it drains my bank account. For me, knowing I'm doing what I think at this time is the healthiest of choices, I guess that's all I can do. 

Finally...education is the key to making change; whether that is for yourself, your family, or your community. Going with your instincts is important. There's a 40% placebo effect...the mind is powerful. 

Curious How it Ended?

I finished Food Nation while avoiding report card writing and learned the following:

- As the fast food chains have moved overseas, obesity rates have risen. The British eat more fast food than any other nation in Western Europe...and they also have the highest obesity rate. It baffles me that the "relationship between a nation's fast food consumption and its rate of obesity has not been definitively established..."!! How is that possible? Overweight teenagers in China tripled in the 1990s. Overweight people were rare with Japan's ultra healthy diet of rice, vegetables, and fish. The Japanese were considered some of the healthiest people in the world. Now? Their eating habits have shifted and the obesity rates in children have doubled along with the sale of fast food. Japanese men who settled in the US and switched to a Western diet doubled their risk of heart disease and tripled their risk of stroke (p. 242-243)
- Over the past 50 years in the US, per capita consumption of soft drinks has more than quadrupled. During the late 1950s, the typical soft drink was 8oz...today (1999) a child order is 12oz. The super size fries at McDonalds were 3x larger than what was offered a generation ago (p. 241).
- Health officials have concluded that prevention, not treatment, offers the best hope of stopping the now worldwide epidemic of obesity. Stopping ads geared to children may help, especially since American children are now getting 1/4 of their vegetable servings from chips or french fries (p. 243).
- In his afterward (2012), Schlosser reported that 2/3 of adults in the US are now overweight or obese and the obesity rate among preschoolers has doubled in the past 30 years. The rate among children from 6-11 has tripled (p. 271).

All-in-all I enjoyed the book. It was sad and scary, but very interesting. Some parts were dry and out of date, but when reading the afterward and learning that what he wrote about over 10 years ago is now worse and not better, I guess it wasn't as out of date as I'd thought.

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I'm currently reading Salt, Sugar, and Fat by Michael Moss. It is American but is current (2013). It's along the same lines as Fast Food Nation except it's based on the food industry as a whole (think anything you buy in a can or box...even the products you think are healthy), not just fast food. Steve thinks I'm getting a little obsessed with this food stuff, but the more I learn, the more fascinated I become with the topic. I have to learn more because this is my health. And Brennan's health. The more I learn about what I've been putting in my body unbeknownst to me, the more I am able to reject crappy food. Sure it tastes great and is very satisfying. Until you learn what is really in it and why it tastes so damned good. And once you know that, you won't want to have it anymore. Even though it always smells SOOOOO delicious.

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What have you learned about health-related topics lately?

Inform Yourself

     Brennan and I went to the Great Wolf Lodge this past weekend and lifting him off slides and in the wave pool did a number on my back so I'm laid up on the couch which has given me some time to finally write an update on my lifestyle change. I could be working on report cards or marking. I could.

     I've been reading Fast Food Nation which is about the history of the fast food industry. It is a really interesting book as it covers the creation of take out food, advertising, the products that are sold, the dangerous working conditions in slaughterhouses, factory farming, and so on. Although it is an American book, I am sure that some of the information is applicable in Canada. Do you know how hard it is to find a Canadian written book on our food industry? I've searched and searched. If you know of any, please let me know.

     Here are a few interesting points from the book that grabbed my attention:

- fast food companies purchase frozen french fries for 30 cents a pound and sell them for $6 a pound after they fry them. Out of every $1.50 spent on a large fry, only 2 cents goes to the farmer (p. 117). No wonder why there are factory farms out there, the pressure to grow more to make more or else go out of business is enormous. Being an independent farmer often means they're in poverty. Large companies have such a monopoly over the industry that they either have to join or go bankrupt.
- "By embracing the industrial model of agriculture - one that focuses narrowly on the level of inputs and outputs, that encourages specialization in just one crop, that relies heavily on chemical fertilizers, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides, advanced harvesting and irrigation equipment - American farmers have become the most productive farmers on Earth." (p.119) This is pushing independent farmers off the land - the ones that rotate crops properly so that the soil can replenish itself.
-  about 90% of money Americans spend on food is on processed food. The canning, freezing, and dehydrating techniques take away most of the food's natural flavour so flavour is added through chemicals. Without the flavour industry, which is a $1.4 billion dollar business, fast food could not exist (p. 121)
- approximately 10 000 new processed foods are introduced in the US every single year! (p.124)
- artificial colouring, flavouring, and sweeteners are scary. The FDA doesn't regulate that companies disclose the ingredients in their additives as long as they are 'generally regarded as safe'. The strawberry flavour in the Burger King shake contains 43 different ingredients (p. 125-126). 43! What happened to good old fashioned real strawberries to add flavour?
- don't be fooled by natural flavouring either, it's can be as harmful as artificial flavour. And they are processed at the same plants.(p. 127)
- chicken McNuggets get their flavour from beef additives and contain twice as much fat per ounce as the hamburgers. McNuggets were introduced in 1983 and they changed the face of poultry processing. The demand was so high that by 1992 chicken consumption surpassed beef for the first time. 90% of chicken sold is in nuggets, pieces, or cutlets rather than whole chickens. (p.140). The rather sad state of chicken farming is discussed next. And then the author moves on to talk about massive feedlots and slaughterhouses of cows that are fed grains from a trough, have anabolic steroids implanted in their ears, and cannot move for the 3 months prior to slaughter (p. 150)

     I'm not done the book but I can't imagine it getting any better.

     I was prompted to watch FoodMatters after seeing a post for the free viewing of Food Inc which is a disturbing documentary on what is in the food we eat. I watched Food Inc last year and it, along with the book Skinny Bitch, had prompted me to begin eliminating certain foods from my diet. FoodMatters was certainly less gruesome than Food Inc and it provided multiple ways to live a healthier life... naturally. It promotes eating food in it's natural state - raw and about taking vitamins to help support our immune system to prevent and heal different diseases. It also dispels myths from the media and discusses what big pharmaceutical companies don't want you to know.

     I follow these pages on Facebook and read interesting articles every day that prompt me to think critically on consumerism, marketing, and the products I use and eat:

                       Food Inc., Vega, Isagenix, Food Babe, Pathways to Family Wellness

     If you know of any other great feeds, let me know so I can read them too. 

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     As for me, I've gotten back into buying as much food organically and GMO-free as I can. It's expensive but I think it's worth it. I have eliminated as much gluten, dairy, and meat as I had last year. I don't crave junk food anymore. I honestly don't. If I see it for treat day at work, I rarely have to be concerned about giving in. It's just not something I care to eat anymore and when I do, I usually find it too sweet. I haven't even wanted my cocoa chocolate or rice chips! I don't struggle to make it to my 'treat day' and I find that my 'treat' is usually something with gluten or cheese in it, not junk like pizza or fast food. I don't crave my sugary summer drinks or iced tea despite the 25 degree sunny days we're having. I don't even want a glass of wine after work/with dinner anymore. And my lattes? I don't want them anymore. No London Fogs either. No caffeine needed. If I do go with a friend, I order a smaller sized latte with fewer pumps of syrup and decaffeinated. The last time we went, I actually put my cup down and forgot about it until the end of the day. I never forget my latte! After having eliminated the junk for long enough, my body is rejecting it. I feel off when I drink/eat things that truly aren't healthy and it's not worth the pain or discomfort, so I don't bother. That being said, I don't think I'll ever turn down a creme brûlée....I also won't deprive myself of anything that I really want to eat or drink. I think I'll just be more aware of portion size and how often I've eaten it. I saw this though as I'm smelling brownies that Steve just made that will be sitting in my kitchen all night while he's at work. Ugh. 

     I'm still drinking 2 shakes a day, although I've switched my second shake from Visalius to Isagenix now that they offer a vegan alternative. I added small snacks in between shakes to help balance my sugar levels. I'm drinking water but I know I could be drinking more...it's just hard to make it to the washroom as often as I need to when I'm at work and if I drink past 7pm I'm up all night going to the bathroom. Speaking of work, there's a lot of really cool stuff going on health wise. Most of the staff is involved in some sort of healthy lifestyle change. There are people on Weight Watchers, people now going to the gym and working out together after school, people cutting out gluten, people taking the 8 Week Challenge...eating in the staff room isn't tempting anymore because so many people are eating healthy all the time. And we're all seeing results: increased energy and decreased pant sizes. 

     I'm not exercising as much as I would like and that is an area that I need to improve on. Steve has been running and topped my exciting pace of 5k in 29:22 minutes by running it in 24:50 minutes! Oh to have long legs. He inspires me to get back at running when my back is fixed. He is also eating healthier and came home with 7 grain break for himself. If you know Steve, you know that's a big deal! My friend Sheri has lost 58lbs and gone from a size 21 to a size 10!! She used to joke that she couldn't even walk a block...forget running! Guess who's joined a running club and is now running?!! My friend Vanessa is down 60lbs after having 3 children! And she's going to get her fitness trainer certification so she can help other Mom's get healthy too. With this inspiration and support around, it's hard not to be motivated to live healthier. I haven't done my measurements in a long time but I'm curious what they are as my pants fit looser every week. 

     I finished my weekly ion cleanses (still need to upload the pictures for you to see) and am moving to monthly ones to help with detoxification. I did a 1 day cleanse to help eliminate toxins from my body and I notice a difference not going for the cleanses. Despite all the negative press they get, I believe they work. I'll ignore the 40% placebo effect and go with how my body reacts to them. 

     Another change I've made after reading different articles that my naturopath posts and from Food Babe is that I'm not wearing makeup anymore unless it's a special occasion (not that I wore a lot to begin with) and I'm using all natural soaps and shampoos. What a difference in my hair and my skin! I only need cream for my hands now, no dry skin or scalp. We use all natural cleaning products and soaps in the house, except for my Bath and Body works soaps that I got for Christmas from my students. I got a LOT of those. 

     I still have a ways to go but I'm getting there. I feel better and want to feel even better. I think it will be easier when report cards are done and summer is here. More time to exercise, prepare meals and snacks and of course, make it to the bathroom a million times a day from all the water I'll be able to drink. 

Signs

Today I saw little green plants sprouting from the garden on my way into work. I am choosing to ignore the impending snowstorm we're supposed to get in the next 24 hours and instead am going to focus on the signs of Spring. Longer days. March Break. And little green sprouts.

A Door with Two Sides

December 17th. That was the last time I wrote. An endless stream of thoughts have filtered in and out of my brain in the past two months, some of which have prompted an almost-post but most went out as fast as they came in. Each of these thoughts had an underlying theme, even if I had to stretch the connections just so to make them link together...they all came back to change.

A heavy word change. To recognize the need for change would be the first step to making a change, correct? After months of denial and slight-to-moderate desires to make said change there comes a point when you actually have to do something in order to facilitate a change. A change in lifestyle or attitude or career or laundry detergent. The opportunities for change are endless and I think that there is an inherent power in making change that gives us the strength and courage to make more changes.

The closest almost-post had a title that I remembered until I just went to write it. It's gone now but I know it had to do with being fed up with a less than desirable lifestyle, one filled with lists, busy days, lack of energy, and stress. In writing the descriptors, it's come back to me. I was going to call it: There Has to be a Better Way. An on-going internal struggle for years, particularly since having Brennan, I've  not been able to find a balance. It's said that this is common for new mothers especially those that work full time - how do you prioritize and juggle being everything to everyone and making time for yourself? "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others." I'd like to tell whoever created that little piece of wisdom to shove it because to truly take care of myself the way I feel I really need to in order to be what I need or want to be to everyone, including myself, well it's not possible.

A close second almost-post would have been called If... and in it I would have written what I would do if I had an endless supply of money and time which would really be the catalyst to the utopian lifestyle I am craving. The list doesn't entail traveling the world or buying fancy cars, rather it would detail a plan of true health and well-being with massages, yoga, chiropractic, therapy (both cognitive and retail!), tea, and a house somewhere without power lines and billboards.

You see, I have been longing for solitude and a peaceful easy way of life as of late. In daydreaming of a less complicated world, I have to add a disclaimer that I am not ungrateful for what I have and do not for one minute take what is in my life for granted, but I do feel that there has to be more and not just for me, but for society. We live in such a fast-paced, media-driven, money-hungry individualistic culture that I think we have lost sight of the beauty of quiet, nature, and reflection. When was the last time you sat in a quiet room with no t.v., no iPhone, no music? Just the idea of having that time where my thoughts were allowed to roam....scary.

Last year I went on a 5-week no sugar/junk food challenge that turned into limited dairy and gluten followed by no meat. It lasted a few months before I went away to the cottage and at that point it became too much work. I brought all of my 'special' food with me but living with 8 other people who were eating all the things I wasn't became difficult. I felt secluded (not by the people I was with) but by my choices because they meant extra time in the kitchen and I didn't want to bother. It was just a few days. But those few days restarted me into a terrible eating pattern. The humidity was oppressive as usual in Niagara so I had stopped running at the beginning of July. Insert downhill slide and six months later here I am: 2 sizes larger, 10 pounds heavier, weak, tired, and unhappy. I didn't renew my gym membership because I hadn't gone even when I had it. I stopped eating well because back to school came so I was stress eating, then Halloween and the holidays provided extra delicious treats. Hello 2013! Maybe I will set a New Years Resolution? But even that sounded like too much work. Despite having wanted to make a change for many months now, being in the sluggish state I have put myself into in addition to being the all-or-nothing type of person that I am, I just haven't done it. I like to have a plan all laid out so that I know the rules and a 5-week no sugar challenge wasn't going to cut it this time. Exhausting. I need a major life overhaul.

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Tonight I went to my first meditation class at my sister-in-law's spa. Meditation has been recommended to me by more people than I can remember due to my rather Type A, OCD, anxiety-ridden personality and a rapid lifestyle that I am slowly shutting myself down from. I think back to before having Brennan when I worked as a full-time teacher in a demanding Behaviour Class and worked part-time as a server at Boston Pizza AND took 2 courses for my Honours degree at Brock. Some weeks I clocked over 80 hours with the above and I still managed to sleep my coveted 10 hours a night. Although my social life was non-existent for a while, I felt happy and fulfilled, being able to be give what I wanted to each of these areas and pay down my $11 000 line of credit in 10 months while renting an apartment and paying tuition. How the hell did I do that? There isn't enough RedBull on this Earth that would allow me to do that at this ripe old age of 31. Back to meditation - we had to place an item in the middle that most represented ourselves and why we were there so I put my cellphone. It has my very full calendar in it and the internet is where I spend an embarrassing amount of my free time. We were given a meditation journal to use as a reflection tool which instantly made me smile as a little known secret is that I have a strange attraction to journals. I have a few blank ones and a few that I've started, none that I've finished, yet I want to buy them whenever I see them. Sometimes I think they are just too pretty to write in. Most of the time I think what I would write would be worthless, which is why I like the computer - the backspace button is much more aesthetically pleasing than whiteout. After each exercise tonight we were supposed to take a minute to write our thoughts down. I only wrote two things. The first being the title of a lifestyle change I want to make and the second was about the door.

I remember guided imagery from when I was in high school. Unbeknownst to me I was placed in the gifted program by my grade 8 teacher and during these gifted periods where we were encouraged to think outside the box, we started each class off with Mrs. Papinou opening our minds with guided imagery. If I remember correctly, she had a love for taking us to the beach with a dog. Such shenanigans are no longer allowed in public schools because heaven forbid a teacher guides a student in the wrong direction. Our last journey tonight was down a long hallway toward a door. My door was white and wooden with a bright light beaming through its cracks. We opened the door and were taken through a beautiful garden to a purifying waterfall. Walking back I noticed my door was no longer white. It had become dark grey. And it was made of steel. I don't know what that means but I doubt it takes a dream interpreter or colour expert to decipher that the door back to my reality was not pretty! And so clearly I need to take a step back and make some serious changes. Because I liked the white wooden door.

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I came home and instead of pouring myself a glass of wine I made herbal tea in my favourite mug that looks something like this:

And then I downloaded this cd:

And I wrote.