My Return

     The first test of my balance plan began last week when I returned to work. My doctor didn't think I should go back yet…and I wanted to go back full-time so we compromised: I got to start the next day but only half-time for the month of February. After being there for 5 days (2 shadowing and 3 on my own) I will concede that she was right to take it slow. I'm rather surprised at how tired I am even though I'm only working afternoons. Being back is overwhelming and I feel really behind but I am just a bit more okay with the fact that I will never actually catch up because that rat race is infinite. 

     I still find it difficult to sleep some nights, but when I do, I sleep a lot better because I'm mentally and physically exhausted.  I like having my mornings free so that I can go back to bed if I need to plus I have time to go to the gym before getting ready for work. This helps to free up my nights to perform the rest of my balancing act: being a Mom, laundry, dishes, work, and whatever I'm hoping to do for myself.

    I spent Sunday reading, watching Netflix, sleeping and taking a long hot bath. Brennan was sick all weekend and my body was beat so I gave myself permission to skip all of the things I had wanted to get done and I refocused my time on me. Quite surprisingly I didn't feel guilty, not even once because I now know that it is more important for me to recuperate after a long and busy week than to check shit off my list. Normally I would feel that I was letting too many people down if I missed volleyball but Brennan's fever peaked again and he wanted his Mommy, so I didn't go. My relaxing Sunday was not without recourse as I had anxiety all night and all morning about going to work because I didn't feel prepared and would have to cram all that I didn't do into my 20-minute lunch. Another food sacrifice. 

     Over the last two days, the important stuff got done and that which didn't just got shoved over to the next day. Prioritizing 101.  Hey, maybe I should be a Life Coach (he he)

     In addition to giving myself permission to relax, I've chosen to add a few healthy habits to my life: I only check my work email once a day now and I try really hard to push thoughts about work out of my head when I'm at home. I've accepted I can no longer try to be everything to everyone all of the time. When asked for advice, I give it and then accept that I did my part, trying not to stress about the outcome of something that doesn't have to do with me - taking the world off my shoulders, one person at a time. I rejoined a yoga studio and I've been doing guided meditations when the mood strikes. 

    The question is…will I keep it all up?

    I don't know what life will look like when I'm back at work full-time but I am hoping that I can continue to no longer feel guilty for doing what is healthy for me. It turns out trying to be Super Woman is really exhausting and so I'm hanging up my cape and I'm going to continue to figure out my authentic self. Maybe she won't even need a cape?

My New Book

     I finished a book last week, the first book I've read since the summer as my brain was unable to focus long enough nor did I make the time or have the energy these past few months. A daunting title: My Age of Anxiety. But anyone who lives with clinical anxiety knows all too well that the word daunting does not even capture its significance. In honour of #BellLetsTalk Day I've decided to write about the connections I made while reading this brave man's tale of a life that is filled with levels of anxiety that I cannot even imagine. 

     In the past when I wrote about my own battle with anxiety I was surprised at how many of my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances wrote to tell me about their own anxiety and how comforting it was to know that they weren't alone. A few were just coming to grips with a new diagnosis, some were self-diagnosing, others were hoping to find their own voice so they would finally be able to share their secret. Writing is therapeutic for me but if only one person out there finds reading this piece comforting, then I have played my part in #BellLetsTalk.

* * *

   I have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder which means I worry about pretty much everything. Even when not experiencing a panic attack or an acute episode of anxiety (which could last a couple of hours to a few weeks long), I am constantly worried. I worry about small things like Brennan getting sick or the strange sound my car is making and I worry about large things like the state of society, education, and poverty. I worry about the people in my community who cannot afford to eat. I worry about the homeless who have nowhere to sleep. I worry about my students who have difficult home lives. I also have a sub-type of agoraphobia: I am not afraid to leave my house but I have a phobia of being trapped far from home. I'm not sure what this phobia is called, but I am terrified of losing my luggage when flying. If I could fly with my luggage in cargo…I would. And so I don't travel much. My separation anxiety was so severe as a child that in Grade 4 I missed over 30 days of school in one term. I had chronic stomachaches that likely manifested from constantly being worried about being abandoned. I wonder how rich I would be if I was paid a dollar for every time someone asked me what exactly I was afraid of? Fear is the belief that someone or something is dangerous; anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, and unease, typically about an event or something with an uncertain outcome. 

Fear sharpens the sense. Anxiety paralyzes them. 

- Kurt Goldstein, The Organism: A Holistic Approach to Biology (1939)

     I was also diagnosed with depression last year. There are many similarities between anxiety and depression and they are often co-morbid so I guess it was only a matter of time but "…being severely anxious is depressing." My symptoms include: headaches, sensitivity to changes in weather, irritability, indigestion, hot flashes, insomnia, tenderness of the teeth and gums, sweating, back and neck pain,  always being tired, difficulty concentrating and remembering things, and of course, excessive worry and panic attacks.  

 Many have and will continue equate having anxiety to having diabetes - "…usually manageable, sometimes fatal, and always a pain to deal with." There is an organ (the brain) that does not produce or absorb a chemical (seratonin) properly so the body needs medication to create homeostasis. When my body is going through a panic attack I have heart palpitations and a tightness in my chest. I sweat, shake, and pace or rock back and forth. I feel nauseous and have gastric distress. My body feels like it's on fire, I become dizzy, and I feel like the world is going to end. The desire to remove myself from the situation or stress is so strong that there is very little I won't consider doing to make the anxiety go away. The most infuriating part is that I know what is happening is chemical, physiological, and completely irrational. Despite my understanding, knowledge, intelligence and strategies galore, I cannot make it stop. 

  Living with mental illness isn't easy to say the least and I have explored many different options over the years: cognitive-behavioural therapy, group therapy, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), meditation, yoga, acupuncture, self-help books, psychology books, university level courses on anxiety and stress, herbal remedies, homeopathic remedies, specific diets, exercise, and 6 different types of medication. I concur with the author when he wrote: "But none of these treatments fundamentally reduced the underlying anxiety that seems woven into my soul and hardwired into my body and that at times makes my life a misery."

   Taking medication for my anxiety has always been a love-hate relationship. When I was younger I didn't have any qualms about it because I just needed to function like a normal teenager and I didn't care what it took since being a teenager was hard enough. I made the diabetes argument a lot when family members would try to talk me out of it. 

When the drug Chlorpromazine was relapsed in the 50s, it was marketed as, "The insulin of the nervous."  

     As I got older and learned more about side effects, possible long-term consequences, and the range of alternative treatments that were available (not EVER, even to this day, has a medical doctor mentioned any alternative health care as an option to me), I started to question the need to be on medication. The funny thing is that when medication is working, one often doesn't think they need it anymore. There are many peaks and valleys on this road. Over the years I tried several different medications and dosage levels, but Paxil was my go-to as it was the most effective. This past month, after the better part of 15 years of being on Paxil, I finally convinced my doctor to change my medication as I did not feel it was working anymore. My dosage was at the highest my body could tolerate and having weaned off of Paxil before, I asked my doctor if I should begin tapering before starting the new medication. My doctor did not think this was necessary because they were both from the same family of drugs (SSRIs Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors). I think she was very wrong because the next two and a half weeks were hell. I learned from research that coming off of Paxil is similar to detoxing from heroin. I had daily: headaches, exhaustion, nausea, body aches that required me to have the hottest baths I could stand and wear heating pads and smelly muscle creams which only provided a small amount of relief, dry mouth, jaw clenching, increased teeth grinding at night which made my teeth extra sensitive, decrease in appetite, excessive irritability, pounding heart, increased sweating/always feeling hot yet having cold hands and feet, and nauseating vertigo. These were the withdrawal symptoms - the side-effects of taking SSRIs were also difficult to live with. My doctor has always made the argument that one has to decide whether or not the benefits of taking a drug outweigh their side-effects. I had to ask myself which affected my quality of life more: debilitating anxiety that prevented me from being a functional adult or the side-effects of taking a pill. Most of my life, I've chosen the pill. There are arguments that taking medication actually causes anxiety and depression and that many medical disorders were created by the pharmaceutical industry, however, anyone with anxiety will tell you that it is very real. 

We may look back 150 years from now and see antidepressants as a dangerous and sinister experiment.

- Joseph Glenmullen, Prozac Backlash (2001)

    I am happy to report that my new medication is working at a much lower dose and with slightly less frustrating side-effects. I have changed my diet, gone back to the gym 5 days a week, am taking more time for myself, am seeing my naturopath and homeopathic doctors and am supplementing with vitamins and other remedies. There is a strong brain-gut link in our bodies meaning that what we eat and what our gut bacteria levels are have a huge effect on what happens in our minds. It's quite a fascinating body of research and it makes so much sense. When I eat clean, organic, gluten-free, dairy-free vegan foods and freshly made juices in combination with proper exercise (cardio, weights, yoga), I feel incredible. My mood improves, my memory functions properly, I sleep better and I have endless amounts of energy. Unfortunately I haven't yet figured out how to continue these practices while working and being a mom. My new project is to find this balance. 

  Until reading this book, I hadn't come across anything positive about having an anxiety disorder. I talk a lot with parents about the positive attributes their children with ADHD or Autism have, but never had I considered that my disorder may have positive attributes as well. Anxiety causes me to be a perfectionist (which itself isn't healthy) but it makes me a very good employee. My compulsiveness leads to few error and I am obsessively over-prepared. I'm reflective, goal-oriented, organized and very good at planning. I am conscientious and extremely dedicated to my profession. I am attuned and sensitive to the feelings of others and I have high levels of empathy, even toward complete strangers. These skills make me a fairly effective leader. New research now links anxiety to intelligence. I'll take that. 

  My goal has and always will be to be able to live with my anxiety (and now depression) without the use of medication. I recently voiced my concerns to my therapist about feeling that I won't have the coping strategies to deal with life without medication because I have had the pink pills to reduce my anxiety and other emotions (a side-effect of these drugs) throughout the majority of my adulthood. She gave me an astounded look and said that if anyone had coping skills, it was me. Upon further reflection, I have dealt with more in my 33 years than most people will in their lifetime. Sadly there are people who have lived with worse than I, and I think I have discredited my own struggles and efforts because I didn't feel they were valid compared to what could have been. But I am strong and resilient. I have a lot going against me but I also have a lot going for me. 

***

   Some staggering statistics from My Age of Anxiety:

• 40 million Americans have an anxiety disorder (1 in 7)
• 31% of money spent on mental health care in the US is for anxiety
• Americans collectively lose 321 million days of work because of anxiety and depression which costs the economy $50 billion annually

Anxiety kills relatively few people, but many more would welcome death as an alternative to the paralysis and suffering resulting from anxiety in its severe forms.

- David H. Barlow, Anxiety and Its Disorders (2004)

   I am thankful to not have felt the need to take my own life, however I know people who have  succumbed to this deep desperation.  I hope that I live long enough to see the day when the #BellLetsTalk campaign is a thing of the past and the stigma is gone. I  desperately wish that there will be money for services needed to prevent the alarming number of suicides that occur each day all over the world. 

        If I could offer anyone trying to help a friend or loved one who lives with anxiety,  depression, or any mental illness for that matter, it would be this: be patient, be kind, and listen. Be patient with their symptoms and the side-effects of their medication because most of them are out of their control. Be kind by treating them how you would want to be treated if in their shoes. And listen. Listen with an open mind and heart because having someone to talk to can make all the difference. 

My New App

I have a new app which I have found incredibly useful over these past few weeks. It's called the Balanced App and according to the website, it's going to make my 'life improvement simple'! I need life improvement. And I need it simply so that works out. Plus it's free. 

The app lets you choose activities that are important to you and then pick how many times a day/week/month that you want to do them. You can change your options at any time, like when you add 'meditate' every day and then don't actually meditate even once a week…you can just delete it and pretend that failure never happened. I started slow with only a few things to do each day so as to not overwhelm myself and after trying out different balancing activities, this is what I currently have on my 'to do' list:

                               Be thankful - every day

Drink some water - every day

Be present - every day

Hit the gym - 5x a week

Read - 4x a week

Yoga or stretching - 1x a week

Write a blog entry - 2x a month

The app gives you encouraging comments that validate your newfound balanced life, like "Good job! You can chill out now." They're good for a laugh.

Being the excessive list maker that I am, I get a thrill when I check items off my lists and this app is rather fulfilling in that respect. It helps me to not worry about the 'House', 'Work'  or general 'To Do' lists that I don't actually want but should do (hence their never-ending existence due to procrastination) and focus on the fact that I am being productive - just in a different way. Every time I swipe the 'done' button I know I have done something positive for my health and wellbeing and I think that's the most important list of all these days. It has also inspired me to look at my other to-do lists and take items off that I really don't need or want to do.

Once my balanced activities become healthy habits that don't require reminders to complete, I hope to add:

Meditate

Go outside (come on Spring!)

Go for a run

One step at a time though. 

The biggest challenge will be seeing if I can stick to what I need to be healthy physically and mentally when I go back to work next week. Wish me luck!

May you all find a little more balance in your lives. 

My Unicorn

     I opened the mailbox one October afternoon and pulled out the November/December issue of Psychology Today, the cover of which boasted 6 Strategies to Restart Your Life. LET IT GO. The first thing that came to mind of course were the lyrics of the Frozen song. Following that? A soft, "I wish" as I tossed it into my overflowing basket of unread magazines.

     Through a series of rather debilitating physical and mental health ailments, I have been off of work for almost two months. Being off work is not something that I do, not even in the summer when I'm supposed to be lazy: I don't shut my brain off of what needs to be done, what should be done or what could be done, and I certainly don't shut my heart off from my kids who I love despite the full-moon-short-week-indoor-recess days when they drive me to drink more than my fair share of wine. My work is all consuming and has been at the core of my Type-A personality for as long as I can remember. It drives me and gives me purpose. Right or wrong, I have always been more of a 'live to work' person than a 'work to live' person. Until now that is when I'm trying to live in order to get back to work. 

     I rejoined the gym after at least two years of absence in hopes of gaining back the energy, stamina, and good endorphins needed to get myself to a functional state of existence. When I first started going I was in a such a state of physical and mental exhaustion that I could barely bring myself to walk on the treadmill. Instead I opted for the much more relaxing looking stationary bike. With it's somewhat reclined seat and an easy resistance level, reading was a perfect way to pass the time while I was pretending to work out. 

    A few health magazines later, my blonde friend from October (you know, the one who knew how to LET IT GO) appeared at the top of my basket. The article itself was interesting but it wasn't the one that really resonated with me and if I'm being honest, it probably won't for a while because even though I understand the power of choice and beauty of letting 'it' go, I'm not ready. And I've got a hell of a lot to let go. Searching for the Self, And Other Unicorns was a rant piece written by a professor of philosophy and gender studies who expressed her disdain for the shameful way self-help books lead us lost hopefuls to find our 'authentic self' which conveniently is weighed down by a variety of experiences, disappointments and suffering. She argues that the search for the authentic self is not buried under years of life's ups and downs and that the search for the authentic self is, "…as likely to succeed as a quest to capture a unicorn." Well, if nothing else, I love a good challenge.

     I started to think about authenticity and as I progressed through the magazine which had a recurring theme of being true to one's self, I felt like maybe they knew what I've been avoiding admitting for a long time. I got that "ah shit" feeling in my stomach; the 'they caught me red handed', 'they're onto me', 'who told them?' feeling of dread because here was my sign and they posted it just for ME. I am certainly leading a less than authentic life. The gig was up. It was time to start some soul searching…and why not, I had nothing but time.

     When I turned the page Dr. O'Connor went on to dispel the myth of the authentic self - the one I just moments before vowed to start finding after I was finished pretending I was actually working out. She said the 'authentic self' did not exist and we only have an 'experiencing self'; a self that is a dynamic work in progress that can only be understood in relation to others and the world. Now what was I to do? I didn't take philosophy in university for the simple reason that there is never a right answer and I like right answers. I'm not a fan of grey. I love psychology and science and math because they make sense to me. What really was I supposed to be looking for to rid myself of that feeling in the pit of my stomach?

     Since picking up that issue I've further read about finding one's true self, being an authentic person, creating a state of homeostasis or balance in life, minimalism, surviving in 21st century life. Anxiety. I've not written a formal lab report, but I can confidently state that my hypothesis was correct and I can make the conclusion: I am lost. 

     Whether my unicorn is 'authentic' or 'experiencing', it is certainly missing. I have never been good at balancing and for the years of abuse I have put my mind and body through, I am now paying the price in all aspects of life. I don't know how I'm going to find it given my track record with geography, but I guess that's why the GPS was invented. Or the self-help book.

Girl on the Beach
by Edvard Munsch

Scream
by Edvard Munsch

And so begins my quest to find the proverbial unicorn of authenticity, the one that belongs to me and creates a lifestyle less like Scream and more like Girl on the Beach. 

I welcome you on my journey and hope  that we find the courage to  become true to who we are and how we want to live because life is too short to pretend we are something we're not. 

If I Ruled the World...

...of Education I would:

- make class sizes smaller. Primary would have no more than 15, junior no more than 20, and intermediate no more than 25. Class sizes are huge at some schools and despite this 'new research' that the government says indicates that children can learn regardless of the class size, I strongly disagree. A teacher cannot teach children to the fullest extent with the huge diversity of children and disproportionate number of unsupported children with complex diagnoses.

- give each class would have an Educational Assistant to help children who needed it. Some kids just need that help to be successful. Some need movement breaks. Some need to work elsewhere. Last time I checked, one adult cannot be split into a million pieces. Teachers need the support to do their jobs and supervise students properly.

- split grades would not exist. Not only is it not fair to the students but it is also unfair to the teacher who has to do twice the amount of work for the same amount of pay and prep periods as a teacher in a straight grade. Differentiation is not the same as teaching two curriculums.

- make sure kids had phys ed every day. They need the movement and something needs to be done about childhood obesity.

- reinstate specialist teachers for the Arts and Phys Ed/Health. The master of all trades cannot be an expert in them all.

- insist on higher qualifications for teachers in special education roles. And give them proper and adequate support as they teach the most vulnerable of our children.

- make support services within the community mandatory for at-risk children. I'd reduce wait lists by having more specialized support workers/teachers available to children so they aren't on a 3-year wait period.

- give every school a vice principal because no teacher should have to teach their class AND cover the office duties at the same time.

- reinstate workshops during school time. Doing extra workshops to continue and support learning is important. Not everyone can make their schedules work to go after hours.

- change the course of non-existent discipline. Children have too much power and get away with way too much these days. Teachers are there to teach, not babysit and discipline all day. It's not fair to the other students.

- give each student a netbook or iPad so that they can be the '21st century learners' that we're supposed to be fostering.

- change the report card to be easier to understand. I'd eliminate EQAO and replace it with more efficient, applicable standardized testing.

And so there you have it. If I ruled the world...education would be in a much better state. It would be billions more in debt...but it would be awesome.

There Are Always Two Sides

Since posting last and as my obsession with the food industry grows, I've watched 2 more documentaries:

Here's what stood out from Hungry for Change:

- if you're not getting the specific nutrients your body needs in a way that it can easily digest it, then you're starving on a nutritional basis. You could eat 10 000 calories a day and still be hungry because your cells aren't getting the nourishment they need so they tell your brain you are still hungry.

- the will of self-responsibility is what is lacking in today's society. Steve and I have talked about this, why people smoke when they know it's bad for them, why we eat junk when we know it's bad for us, why people don't exercise when they know it's good for them. Why do we as a culture do that? We know what is best for us and what is bad for us, but we ignore the information we have. We know why we shouldn't do it but we have no idea why we're are doing it.

- MSG is in 80% of modern day processed foods. This chemical makes your brain want more food so you eat more than you need.

- 75 000 synthetic chemicals have been produced since 1940

- This is my favourite piece of information:  the skin is the last organ to get nutrition so if the skin is healthy then you know the nutrients have gotten everywhere else. Right now my skin, hair, and nails are in the best condition they have been in every (aside from when I was pregnant).

I watched Genetic Roulette and learned:

- our bodies aren't ready for GMOs because the flora in our gut cannot activate them properly for digestion.
- GMO pesticide (roundup ready crops - herbicide) in food was found in 93% of pregnant women and 80% of their fetuses (Canadian study). These crops are nutritionally deficient and contain glyphosate which causes birth defects. Lab animals fed GMO soy had significant fertility issues, higher infant mortality rates. It was suggested that this is why we have seen such an Increase in fertility clinics in the past few decades.
- Leaky Gut is on the rise which is when food leaks into our bloodstream and antibodies are created against this food which leads to allergies and food intolerances. I cannot count how many conversations I've had where we wonder why everyone has so many allergies these days when we didn't know anyone allergic to peanuts or milk growing up. Maybe this is why? Doctors were saying that their patients' symptoms to allergies diminished when prescribed a non-GMO/organic diet. I have had allergies and asthma my whole life, severe when I was a child. I've outgrown my asthma, only having a minor attack here and there or if I have a bad chest cold but my allergies are always awful outside of winter. I haven't had to take a single allergy pill this Spring. I'm using taking 1 a day just to get by!
- animals who eat GMOs show Autistic traits such as anti-social behaviours and inflamed intestines which are similar to gut issues with children who have ASD. Modifying their diet to change their micro-flora can help, especially with behaviour.
- rGBH (bovine growth hormone) is a growth hormone in American milk. Walmart and Starbucks have banned any milk products containing it. It is also banned in 27 countries. Researchers believe this banning in major stores happened because of the increased knowledge that the public now has and they refused to buy milk with it in it. What consumers want, companies will provide. Demand for more organic and non-GMO items has made many companies change their formulas and practices. "While you can't control what was bought yesterday, by choosing non-GMO today will affect what you will be able to buy in the future."
- kids are more sensitive to GMOs bc their cells grow quicker than adults, they have higher respiratory rates, their immune systems are still developing, etc.
- I liked this quote: "Just because science can do something doesn't mean it should."
- research isn't allowed on GMO seeds unless it is conducted by the companies who produce them, like Monsanto. If an outside researcher tries, pressure from these companies ends up stopping the research. They get fired, their reputation is destroyed, companies threatens to sue, etc. In my mind, if there's nothing wrong with GMOs, why can't a third party do research on them? If it's not a problem to eat them, then why not label them so that the consumer can make their own choices?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So I'm all happy on my organic/non-GMO train when a respected friend who is a nurse, yoga instructor, and certified trainer sent me an article that she received from a friend who has her PhD in a science related field. They had had a conversation about this topic recently and she thought I'd be interested in the article. It was entitled Is Organic Agriculture "Affluent Narcissism?"

http://www.forbes.com/sites/henrymiller/2012/11/07/organic-agricultures-bitter-taste-or-is-organic-agriculture-affluent-narcissism/


Needless to say I was rather confused. Everything I had been reading and watching, what I thought was well-cited information, was being totally negated in this article. I emailed it to my naturopath who responded by saying that:

- There is so much research out there that any side can be supported if the writer knows where to look.  He really echoes the argument I've heard/read many times against organic farming.  That being said… he's also pro-GMO so this guy has a bias, obviously.

- he has a couple of things that are helping his argument: 

            1) There really isn't a lot of research on organic food and health.  It's a new area of study and it won't be for another 20 years before we fully understand the positive impact it has.  

            2) Not all organic farms are created the same.  Not all organic farming practices and their produce can be painted with the same brush… it's like comparing apples to oranges.  He doesn't mention it, but he should… and at least give credit to the farmers who are doing it right and providing healthier produce for consumers.

- Every point in his article can be debated.  I'm sure the people at the Environmental Working Group (EWG) and Environmental Health Perspectives (EHP magazine) would easily disprove his argument with what their researchers keep finding over and over again in the field of Environmental Health.

- When it comes to organics, I do suggest "middle of the road" approach.  Using EWG's "Dirty Dozen" list, buy those veggies and fruit organic because these have been found to have the highest chemical profiles.  Everything else can be purchased regularly (EWG also has a "Clean 15" list of produce that have lowest levels).

I have a friend who since getting to know her, has really made me be more cognizant about what I buy and where I buy it from. I try to buy local when I can and also to go to family owned or small scale stores/restaurants even though they usually cost more. Her family has been involved in farming for many years and they own a fabulous winery here in Niagara. She very much supports buying local and has talked to me before about the pesticides used in organic farms. One thing I learned from the article above and from her is the use of copper and the differences in practice that can occur between various organic farms. 

I asked my chiropractor yesterday what his thoughts were on organic food and he said he wished that they were more regulated and that it doesn't seem to be worth the price hike for food that ripens on it's way here. The food is not as nutritionally dense as local. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I still go back to my university learnings about being critical of information before making a decision. Here's where my brain is sitting now:

     - I think all studies have flaws and that longitudinal studies take so long that we cannot reap the benefits of this research until it is too late.

     - I don't think qualitative research is given enough clout. 

     - Books and documentaries about Canadian food regulations are much harder to find compared to American. 

     - I think companies and marketers do an outstanding job advertising their products and are not beneath misleading claims to make money. Not all companies have the health of their customers at the top of their priority list. That being said, not all of them claim to either. 

     - I am going to refocus my shopping to prioritize local food and then organics based on the EWG's list, which is something I've seen referenced many times throughout the literature. I will continue to look for grass fed, hormone-free meat for my family even though I know those terms can be used as loosely as organic. It eases my mind even though it drains my bank account. For me, knowing I'm doing what I think at this time is the healthiest of choices, I guess that's all I can do. 

Finally...education is the key to making change; whether that is for yourself, your family, or your community. Going with your instincts is important. There's a 40% placebo effect...the mind is powerful. 

Curious How it Ended?

I finished Food Nation while avoiding report card writing and learned the following:

- As the fast food chains have moved overseas, obesity rates have risen. The British eat more fast food than any other nation in Western Europe...and they also have the highest obesity rate. It baffles me that the "relationship between a nation's fast food consumption and its rate of obesity has not been definitively established..."!! How is that possible? Overweight teenagers in China tripled in the 1990s. Overweight people were rare with Japan's ultra healthy diet of rice, vegetables, and fish. The Japanese were considered some of the healthiest people in the world. Now? Their eating habits have shifted and the obesity rates in children have doubled along with the sale of fast food. Japanese men who settled in the US and switched to a Western diet doubled their risk of heart disease and tripled their risk of stroke (p. 242-243)
- Over the past 50 years in the US, per capita consumption of soft drinks has more than quadrupled. During the late 1950s, the typical soft drink was 8oz...today (1999) a child order is 12oz. The super size fries at McDonalds were 3x larger than what was offered a generation ago (p. 241).
- Health officials have concluded that prevention, not treatment, offers the best hope of stopping the now worldwide epidemic of obesity. Stopping ads geared to children may help, especially since American children are now getting 1/4 of their vegetable servings from chips or french fries (p. 243).
- In his afterward (2012), Schlosser reported that 2/3 of adults in the US are now overweight or obese and the obesity rate among preschoolers has doubled in the past 30 years. The rate among children from 6-11 has tripled (p. 271).

All-in-all I enjoyed the book. It was sad and scary, but very interesting. Some parts were dry and out of date, but when reading the afterward and learning that what he wrote about over 10 years ago is now worse and not better, I guess it wasn't as out of date as I'd thought.

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I'm currently reading Salt, Sugar, and Fat by Michael Moss. It is American but is current (2013). It's along the same lines as Fast Food Nation except it's based on the food industry as a whole (think anything you buy in a can or box...even the products you think are healthy), not just fast food. Steve thinks I'm getting a little obsessed with this food stuff, but the more I learn, the more fascinated I become with the topic. I have to learn more because this is my health. And Brennan's health. The more I learn about what I've been putting in my body unbeknownst to me, the more I am able to reject crappy food. Sure it tastes great and is very satisfying. Until you learn what is really in it and why it tastes so damned good. And once you know that, you won't want to have it anymore. Even though it always smells SOOOOO delicious.

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What have you learned about health-related topics lately?

Inform Yourself

     Brennan and I went to the Great Wolf Lodge this past weekend and lifting him off slides and in the wave pool did a number on my back so I'm laid up on the couch which has given me some time to finally write an update on my lifestyle change. I could be working on report cards or marking. I could.

     I've been reading Fast Food Nation which is about the history of the fast food industry. It is a really interesting book as it covers the creation of take out food, advertising, the products that are sold, the dangerous working conditions in slaughterhouses, factory farming, and so on. Although it is an American book, I am sure that some of the information is applicable in Canada. Do you know how hard it is to find a Canadian written book on our food industry? I've searched and searched. If you know of any, please let me know.

     Here are a few interesting points from the book that grabbed my attention:

- fast food companies purchase frozen french fries for 30 cents a pound and sell them for $6 a pound after they fry them. Out of every $1.50 spent on a large fry, only 2 cents goes to the farmer (p. 117). No wonder why there are factory farms out there, the pressure to grow more to make more or else go out of business is enormous. Being an independent farmer often means they're in poverty. Large companies have such a monopoly over the industry that they either have to join or go bankrupt.
- "By embracing the industrial model of agriculture - one that focuses narrowly on the level of inputs and outputs, that encourages specialization in just one crop, that relies heavily on chemical fertilizers, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides, advanced harvesting and irrigation equipment - American farmers have become the most productive farmers on Earth." (p.119) This is pushing independent farmers off the land - the ones that rotate crops properly so that the soil can replenish itself.
-  about 90% of money Americans spend on food is on processed food. The canning, freezing, and dehydrating techniques take away most of the food's natural flavour so flavour is added through chemicals. Without the flavour industry, which is a $1.4 billion dollar business, fast food could not exist (p. 121)
- approximately 10 000 new processed foods are introduced in the US every single year! (p.124)
- artificial colouring, flavouring, and sweeteners are scary. The FDA doesn't regulate that companies disclose the ingredients in their additives as long as they are 'generally regarded as safe'. The strawberry flavour in the Burger King shake contains 43 different ingredients (p. 125-126). 43! What happened to good old fashioned real strawberries to add flavour?
- don't be fooled by natural flavouring either, it's can be as harmful as artificial flavour. And they are processed at the same plants.(p. 127)
- chicken McNuggets get their flavour from beef additives and contain twice as much fat per ounce as the hamburgers. McNuggets were introduced in 1983 and they changed the face of poultry processing. The demand was so high that by 1992 chicken consumption surpassed beef for the first time. 90% of chicken sold is in nuggets, pieces, or cutlets rather than whole chickens. (p.140). The rather sad state of chicken farming is discussed next. And then the author moves on to talk about massive feedlots and slaughterhouses of cows that are fed grains from a trough, have anabolic steroids implanted in their ears, and cannot move for the 3 months prior to slaughter (p. 150)

     I'm not done the book but I can't imagine it getting any better.

     I was prompted to watch FoodMatters after seeing a post for the free viewing of Food Inc which is a disturbing documentary on what is in the food we eat. I watched Food Inc last year and it, along with the book Skinny Bitch, had prompted me to begin eliminating certain foods from my diet. FoodMatters was certainly less gruesome than Food Inc and it provided multiple ways to live a healthier life... naturally. It promotes eating food in it's natural state - raw and about taking vitamins to help support our immune system to prevent and heal different diseases. It also dispels myths from the media and discusses what big pharmaceutical companies don't want you to know.

     I follow these pages on Facebook and read interesting articles every day that prompt me to think critically on consumerism, marketing, and the products I use and eat:

                       Food Inc., Vega, Isagenix, Food Babe, Pathways to Family Wellness

     If you know of any other great feeds, let me know so I can read them too. 

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     As for me, I've gotten back into buying as much food organically and GMO-free as I can. It's expensive but I think it's worth it. I have eliminated as much gluten, dairy, and meat as I had last year. I don't crave junk food anymore. I honestly don't. If I see it for treat day at work, I rarely have to be concerned about giving in. It's just not something I care to eat anymore and when I do, I usually find it too sweet. I haven't even wanted my cocoa chocolate or rice chips! I don't struggle to make it to my 'treat day' and I find that my 'treat' is usually something with gluten or cheese in it, not junk like pizza or fast food. I don't crave my sugary summer drinks or iced tea despite the 25 degree sunny days we're having. I don't even want a glass of wine after work/with dinner anymore. And my lattes? I don't want them anymore. No London Fogs either. No caffeine needed. If I do go with a friend, I order a smaller sized latte with fewer pumps of syrup and decaffeinated. The last time we went, I actually put my cup down and forgot about it until the end of the day. I never forget my latte! After having eliminated the junk for long enough, my body is rejecting it. I feel off when I drink/eat things that truly aren't healthy and it's not worth the pain or discomfort, so I don't bother. That being said, I don't think I'll ever turn down a creme brûlée....I also won't deprive myself of anything that I really want to eat or drink. I think I'll just be more aware of portion size and how often I've eaten it. I saw this though as I'm smelling brownies that Steve just made that will be sitting in my kitchen all night while he's at work. Ugh. 

     I'm still drinking 2 shakes a day, although I've switched my second shake from Visalius to Isagenix now that they offer a vegan alternative. I added small snacks in between shakes to help balance my sugar levels. I'm drinking water but I know I could be drinking more...it's just hard to make it to the washroom as often as I need to when I'm at work and if I drink past 7pm I'm up all night going to the bathroom. Speaking of work, there's a lot of really cool stuff going on health wise. Most of the staff is involved in some sort of healthy lifestyle change. There are people on Weight Watchers, people now going to the gym and working out together after school, people cutting out gluten, people taking the 8 Week Challenge...eating in the staff room isn't tempting anymore because so many people are eating healthy all the time. And we're all seeing results: increased energy and decreased pant sizes. 

     I'm not exercising as much as I would like and that is an area that I need to improve on. Steve has been running and topped my exciting pace of 5k in 29:22 minutes by running it in 24:50 minutes! Oh to have long legs. He inspires me to get back at running when my back is fixed. He is also eating healthier and came home with 7 grain break for himself. If you know Steve, you know that's a big deal! My friend Sheri has lost 58lbs and gone from a size 21 to a size 10!! She used to joke that she couldn't even walk a block...forget running! Guess who's joined a running club and is now running?!! My friend Vanessa is down 60lbs after having 3 children! And she's going to get her fitness trainer certification so she can help other Mom's get healthy too. With this inspiration and support around, it's hard not to be motivated to live healthier. I haven't done my measurements in a long time but I'm curious what they are as my pants fit looser every week. 

     I finished my weekly ion cleanses (still need to upload the pictures for you to see) and am moving to monthly ones to help with detoxification. I did a 1 day cleanse to help eliminate toxins from my body and I notice a difference not going for the cleanses. Despite all the negative press they get, I believe they work. I'll ignore the 40% placebo effect and go with how my body reacts to them. 

     Another change I've made after reading different articles that my naturopath posts and from Food Babe is that I'm not wearing makeup anymore unless it's a special occasion (not that I wore a lot to begin with) and I'm using all natural soaps and shampoos. What a difference in my hair and my skin! I only need cream for my hands now, no dry skin or scalp. We use all natural cleaning products and soaps in the house, except for my Bath and Body works soaps that I got for Christmas from my students. I got a LOT of those. 

     I still have a ways to go but I'm getting there. I feel better and want to feel even better. I think it will be easier when report cards are done and summer is here. More time to exercise, prepare meals and snacks and of course, make it to the bathroom a million times a day from all the water I'll be able to drink. 

Signs

Today I saw little green plants sprouting from the garden on my way into work. I am choosing to ignore the impending snowstorm we're supposed to get in the next 24 hours and instead am going to focus on the signs of Spring. Longer days. March Break. And little green sprouts.

A Door with Two Sides

December 17th. That was the last time I wrote. An endless stream of thoughts have filtered in and out of my brain in the past two months, some of which have prompted an almost-post but most went out as fast as they came in. Each of these thoughts had an underlying theme, even if I had to stretch the connections just so to make them link together...they all came back to change.

A heavy word change. To recognize the need for change would be the first step to making a change, correct? After months of denial and slight-to-moderate desires to make said change there comes a point when you actually have to do something in order to facilitate a change. A change in lifestyle or attitude or career or laundry detergent. The opportunities for change are endless and I think that there is an inherent power in making change that gives us the strength and courage to make more changes.

The closest almost-post had a title that I remembered until I just went to write it. It's gone now but I know it had to do with being fed up with a less than desirable lifestyle, one filled with lists, busy days, lack of energy, and stress. In writing the descriptors, it's come back to me. I was going to call it: There Has to be a Better Way. An on-going internal struggle for years, particularly since having Brennan, I've  not been able to find a balance. It's said that this is common for new mothers especially those that work full time - how do you prioritize and juggle being everything to everyone and making time for yourself? "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others." I'd like to tell whoever created that little piece of wisdom to shove it because to truly take care of myself the way I feel I really need to in order to be what I need or want to be to everyone, including myself, well it's not possible.

A close second almost-post would have been called If... and in it I would have written what I would do if I had an endless supply of money and time which would really be the catalyst to the utopian lifestyle I am craving. The list doesn't entail traveling the world or buying fancy cars, rather it would detail a plan of true health and well-being with massages, yoga, chiropractic, therapy (both cognitive and retail!), tea, and a house somewhere without power lines and billboards.

You see, I have been longing for solitude and a peaceful easy way of life as of late. In daydreaming of a less complicated world, I have to add a disclaimer that I am not ungrateful for what I have and do not for one minute take what is in my life for granted, but I do feel that there has to be more and not just for me, but for society. We live in such a fast-paced, media-driven, money-hungry individualistic culture that I think we have lost sight of the beauty of quiet, nature, and reflection. When was the last time you sat in a quiet room with no t.v., no iPhone, no music? Just the idea of having that time where my thoughts were allowed to roam....scary.

Last year I went on a 5-week no sugar/junk food challenge that turned into limited dairy and gluten followed by no meat. It lasted a few months before I went away to the cottage and at that point it became too much work. I brought all of my 'special' food with me but living with 8 other people who were eating all the things I wasn't became difficult. I felt secluded (not by the people I was with) but by my choices because they meant extra time in the kitchen and I didn't want to bother. It was just a few days. But those few days restarted me into a terrible eating pattern. The humidity was oppressive as usual in Niagara so I had stopped running at the beginning of July. Insert downhill slide and six months later here I am: 2 sizes larger, 10 pounds heavier, weak, tired, and unhappy. I didn't renew my gym membership because I hadn't gone even when I had it. I stopped eating well because back to school came so I was stress eating, then Halloween and the holidays provided extra delicious treats. Hello 2013! Maybe I will set a New Years Resolution? But even that sounded like too much work. Despite having wanted to make a change for many months now, being in the sluggish state I have put myself into in addition to being the all-or-nothing type of person that I am, I just haven't done it. I like to have a plan all laid out so that I know the rules and a 5-week no sugar challenge wasn't going to cut it this time. Exhausting. I need a major life overhaul.

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Tonight I went to my first meditation class at my sister-in-law's spa. Meditation has been recommended to me by more people than I can remember due to my rather Type A, OCD, anxiety-ridden personality and a rapid lifestyle that I am slowly shutting myself down from. I think back to before having Brennan when I worked as a full-time teacher in a demanding Behaviour Class and worked part-time as a server at Boston Pizza AND took 2 courses for my Honours degree at Brock. Some weeks I clocked over 80 hours with the above and I still managed to sleep my coveted 10 hours a night. Although my social life was non-existent for a while, I felt happy and fulfilled, being able to be give what I wanted to each of these areas and pay down my $11 000 line of credit in 10 months while renting an apartment and paying tuition. How the hell did I do that? There isn't enough RedBull on this Earth that would allow me to do that at this ripe old age of 31. Back to meditation - we had to place an item in the middle that most represented ourselves and why we were there so I put my cellphone. It has my very full calendar in it and the internet is where I spend an embarrassing amount of my free time. We were given a meditation journal to use as a reflection tool which instantly made me smile as a little known secret is that I have a strange attraction to journals. I have a few blank ones and a few that I've started, none that I've finished, yet I want to buy them whenever I see them. Sometimes I think they are just too pretty to write in. Most of the time I think what I would write would be worthless, which is why I like the computer - the backspace button is much more aesthetically pleasing than whiteout. After each exercise tonight we were supposed to take a minute to write our thoughts down. I only wrote two things. The first being the title of a lifestyle change I want to make and the second was about the door.

I remember guided imagery from when I was in high school. Unbeknownst to me I was placed in the gifted program by my grade 8 teacher and during these gifted periods where we were encouraged to think outside the box, we started each class off with Mrs. Papinou opening our minds with guided imagery. If I remember correctly, she had a love for taking us to the beach with a dog. Such shenanigans are no longer allowed in public schools because heaven forbid a teacher guides a student in the wrong direction. Our last journey tonight was down a long hallway toward a door. My door was white and wooden with a bright light beaming through its cracks. We opened the door and were taken through a beautiful garden to a purifying waterfall. Walking back I noticed my door was no longer white. It had become dark grey. And it was made of steel. I don't know what that means but I doubt it takes a dream interpreter or colour expert to decipher that the door back to my reality was not pretty! And so clearly I need to take a step back and make some serious changes. Because I liked the white wooden door.

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I came home and instead of pouring myself a glass of wine I made herbal tea in my favourite mug that looks something like this:

And then I downloaded this cd:

And I wrote.

I Get in my Car

One of the hallmarks of having an anxiety disorder is constant irrational fear. Fear of things and situations that are often ordinary and non-threatening. It doesn't make any sense to the person experiencing the panic any more than it does to onlookers. Anxiety and fear are in and of themselves natural and healthy in order for us to avoid dangerous situations. I have a fear of flying - not in the we're going to crash sort of way, but in the what-if-they-lose-my-luggage sort of way. I'm not kidding - perish in a plane crash? Sure, as long as I have my luggage. I don't know what it is with parting with my suitcase that makes me feel this way. The only theory I've come up with over the years of therapy is that it is a control thing. Everything in the suitcase would be replaceable wherever that plane flew me to (if there were room on my credit card!) but that still doesn't matter to me. I would rather buy my suitcase it's own plane ticket than check it in baggage claim. Hence why we're likely driving to Florida this summer.

On Friday when the lives of 26 innocent people were taken by a man with 3 loaded guns, many parents hugged their children tighter and prayed for the families who lost their loved ones in such a malicious way. Anticipating and possibly escalating fear, our local newspaper ran an article about how our two school boards are working to keep students safe by ensuring all doors are locked throughout the day and having a video entry system where the secretary has to buzz visitors in.

The reality is...the man blew the door open with his gun. No lock or buzz entry system is going to withstand bullets. This disturbing act of violence is not limited to schools either. Terrible things happen all over every single day. There are no guarantees in life. When I would pose my frantic 'what if this happens?!?!?!' scenarios to my therapist, she would say, "You could also get in a car accident at any time but you still get in your car and drive it anyway." And she's right.

Knowing what it is like to live in constant fear, I can say that it is no way to truly live. It is not healthy or productive. It does not foster trust or confidence in children. It interferes with healthy relationships. So if I could offer one unsolicited piece of advice to those feeling like our society has hit an all-time low and that maybe home schooling would be a better option given the incredible number of violent incidents in our schools, it would be this: the probability of something like Friday happening is very small. The number of days that go by without a mass murder of children far outnumbers the horrific days where it does. Without minimizing what happened, it is important not to overgeneralize. Know that, yes this could happen. Unbelievable that it could, but hold on to the high probability that it won't.

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I read this blog post today http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.ca/2012/12/thinking-unthinkable.html  and it was one of the most riveting pieces I have read in a long time. Having taught a behaviour class, I experienced first hand what these parents struggle with in order to get help. I've gone to the psychiatrist appointments with them, the ambulance rides to the emergency room, the endless mounds of paperwork and red tape to get through in order to get their child help. I have been assaulted and had my life threatened on a daily basis. I have written about it before and I do not doubt I will write about it again - our mental health care system is failing our children.

I don't know why that man decided to do what he did. I can only infer that he was severely ill in some capacity. There will be huge debates about the American right to bear arms, violent video games, technology, and media. It is my opinion that the root of the issue is mental illness, which is rampant in our youth today. It infuriates me that they are not receiving the help they need. Parents call our local go-to agency for services and their name is put on a wait list for months if not years. Only severe cases get immediate attention, which is clearly happening to the family in the above article yet they are still fighting to be heard. I don't know if anything could have prevented Friday's tragedy, but I will continue to hope and fight for the earliest of interventions for my students: past, present, and future. I will advocate for their families when their families cannot. This at least makes me feel like I am doing something. It is good to hug your child a little tighter and to appreciate what you have...but actively doing something to help another child only makes your child's future that much brighter. And hopefully safer.

Here are some good places to start.

http://www.kidsmentalhealth.ca

http://www.hincksdellcrest.org/ABC/Welcome

http://www.mendthemind.ca

http://www.pathstonementalhealth.ca

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca

There was an old man...

When I drop Brennan off at school in the morning, the parking lot of the church is always busy with volunteers and people accessing the soup kitchen for breakfast. I've always felt guilty paying for Brennan's education when there are people needing a free meal. I feel guilty for a lot of things that I have no control over - kids with negligent parents, wives with abusive husbands, victims of random acts of violence. Today was different though...

A man walked passed us with no shoes or socks on. Just bare feet. He walked toward the dumpsters, which in and of itself is not uncommon as many men tend to head back there for reasons I do not know. Except today, this old man stopped in between the garbage and paper recycling dumpsters. I thought maybe he was going to go to the bathroom and kept about my business talking to one of the teachers on our way toward the school. Then we heard a slam. The man hadn't urinated as I wrongfully assumed - he climbed up the side of the paper dumpster and went inside. The teacher and I looked at each other with the 'did he just...?" look. Some jingling of the chains and sure enough he was inside. I told her that I had just put a box in there last week after bringing in our food donation to the school - did I drop it on him?! I had no idea anyone was in there.

After school I asked a different teacher if the man in the dumpster was ok and if I could bring him some socks. I was told by a person that works for the church that the man went in there because that's where his bed was. Not to worry, it was taken care of. I don't know what that means.

I thought about this old man all day. I'm going to bring some socks to the church on Monday just in case he comes back. Until then, I'm going to try to figure out how this situation even exists in a developed country like Canada.

The Bottom

I've been feeling a little lot off lately. Following report cards were parent interviews and then I had my evaluation from my principal. Brennan got sick and then I got sick. I helped organized my friend's bachelorette, went to a beautiful baby shower, had meetings, semi-decorated for Christmas. Steve's remark, "I thought you said it would get better in November? The beginning of November."

Sigh.

I feel like I'm almost at my personal bottom from overworking, overeating, underexercising (alright if I'm going to be honest, not exercising. At all.), overspending. overworrying, and under all the other stuff like quality family time, quality me time, quality cleaning my freaking house time. My all or nothing personality is rather unbalanced, heavier on the work department. I don't remember the last time I did a proper grocery store run or cooked an actual plate full of food that resembled a meal. Steve does everything around the house - he's a SuperDad.

I'm not sure why I always feel the need to justify the hours I put in. I don't know if it's a societal pressure where I feel that because I am a woman and a Mom, I am supposed to put all things womanly and motherly before the rest. It could be the fear of being judged for my priorities being in the "wrong place". Does anyone else ever feel that way? Who gets to decide what priorities are the right ones?

I think at this point I've started to shut down, physically and emotionally. Winter is never a good time for me, with the long, dark days. November and February tend to be the worst. I know what to do though. It's simple really. I don't think I'm quite at my true bottom yet because if I was, I'd be ready to finally do something about it. And so I will keep scraping along until I'm truly fed up and then I will pounce like a tiger on my sugar donut filled lazy ass and get back to the gym. It will be onward and upward from there because going to the gym breaks the cycle of a poor lifestyle for me. See...simple.

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To add to this self-created case of the blahs, there's the political side of what's going on with our union and the government and that really stresses me out. It makes me want to bury my head in the sand because as much as I try to understand everything that is going on, the legal side of it completely leaves me lost. And I can't stop reading the comments from the newspaper (which I know I shouldn't do) but they infuriate me and I want to set the record straight because the lack of respect for teachers, for what I pour my heart and soul into every single day, infuriates and disgusts me.

How did it get to a point where teachers were collectively seen as lazy, greedy, whiners? Does this come from jealousy of the perks of the job or ignorance to the reality of the job? Anyone who has ever had me as a teacher knows I am not lazy and that I give an incredible amount of my time and money to my kids and our classroom. I whine, yes, but I've always been a whiner. This whiner, she gets stuff done though, and it's for the better of the kids. I feel I deserve respect for what I do.

And fighting for respect exhausts me even more because the judgement is too much some days. I actually read a comment that insulted a teacher because silent reading was in their lesson plan, and so the man suggested a Grade 12 students could clearly replace teachers if this was what was being 'taught' in class. It's these kind of comments that make me too tired to even try. Where does one even start to correct this type of ignorance?

Sigh.

Yawn.

Tea vs. Latte

One of my favourite bloggers posted this today:

http://www.kellehampton.com/2012/11/tea-with-milk-and-honey.html


It's like she read my mind (minus the new baby part!), she knew I needed another reminder to take it down a notch and take time to listen to the leaves crunch under my feet. Except I'm not in the tea mode yet, I'm still flying in latte mode. Run run run as fast as she can...

I'm hoping things will slow down in a couple of weeks, after parent-teacher interviews and after my evaluation. Actually I had hoped things would slow down after progress reports and after Brennan's birthday and after Halloween and after...well this list goes back a while now.

I am learning to say no to other people but I am my own worst enemy and often cannot say no to myself when it comes to my work. I have some issues to iron out with time management and priorities. Admitting you have a problem is the first step right?

Connecting to the busy-as-a-beaver lifestyle, I am feeling a bit frustrated and overwhelmed with the way Christmas feels these days. Starting music and decorations as soon as the clock strikes midnight on Halloween just adds pressure and takes away the fun that the weeks before this holiday have the potential to bring. Although I'm not a religious person, what used to be a precious family time where thought was put into gift giving, now just seems like a big marketing game of one-upmanship. I know I have the power to change those thoughts, but when being bombarded for 2 months straight, it's kind of difficult to ignore. I feel pressure to finish shopping early and outdo whatever it was that I did last year. Do you find this too?

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In happier news, Brennan's conversations continue to crack me up. He now says, "cool" and "awesome" when he is shown something new. He sings the "Bonjour mes amies" song while clapping every day. When he was being silly tonight, my Aunt told him he was being crazy and he replied, "No, I not crazy. I just a boy." He squished my finger in Tick Tock Croc's mouth a bit too hard so he kissed it better and asked if I wanted a 'banbaid'. He told Steve that a girl in his class named Myla was his best friend.

This was our conversation on the way home from school:
"Did you colour at school today?"
"No"
"Did you read a book?"
"I made you a card."
"Really?"
"It's a secret."
"A secret card?"
"Ya, I not sposed to tell you. Insert a few phrases I didn't understand. I don't want it a secret. I want to bring it home my picture card."

Fall

Fall is my favourite season. It means the return of football, gorgeous leaf colours, apple cider, and the best decorations this side of Christmas.

With Fall also comes the overwhelming task of going back to school. I've been swamped at work as most teachers are this time of year, especially after reorganizing the third week into the year and becoming a split grade with 7 more kids than I started with. The assessments are incredibly time consuming, both in and out of the classroom and just when you think you can breathe, Progress Reports are due. Steve and I don't see each other very much because when he's actually home, I need to get work done and am often at school (with other teachers) just trying to stay afloat. He is very supportive but like anyone who isn't a teacher, he doesn't really understand why I have so much work to do. Just give them all As he says :-)

This year has been really fun as I have left Special Ed and returned to a "regular" classroom. It's been rejuvenating to be able to express my creativity in ways I had not been able to tap in to over the past 5 years. My class is pretty amazing and they are teaching me a lot as we go. I get to apply what I have learned in special ed to make learning easier for kids that have previously struggled. I am fortunate that they are buying into my unconventional ways of running a classroom, and for most kids it's working! That kind of positive reinforcement is so motivating and it was definitely what I needed.

Brennan also started school this year. He's going to a Montessori School and he LOVES it! We had a rough go for a few days but he's on track and no longer crying when I leave. He adores his teacher and even tried to call her today on his toy phone! He came home yesterday with a handprint turkey and his caption was: Thank you to Mummy because I want cookies. I want to play with toys and my Mummy gives me hugs and kisses. Daddy is at work...     That is one piece of art I will be keeping for sure!

With Thanksgiving this weekend, I will leave you with a top 10 of things I am thankful for.

1. My wonderful family and friends
2. The roof over our heads. The heat from our vents. The amenities that we often take for granted.
3. The job that pays for the heat, benefits, a pension
4. Hot stone massages
5. Our health
6. Modern Family: reruns, new episodes, the calendar, it's all hilarious
7. Living in Canada
8. The Baby Talk Mommies that provide amazing children for Brennan to grow up with, sanity for me, and friendships that are irreplaceable.
9. Stretchy pants without buttons and zippers...you know the could-be-maternity-type pants. Love love love them.
10. Wine. Lots of wine.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Je Suis Fatigue

I'm teaching regular ed this year in an amazing Grade 5 class with 20 students who I can reach and teach at their level because the class size is superb. Next week however it will become a 4/5 split with 27 students because the school registration (not my grade or even my division) was down 30 children on the first day of school. Now all classes in my school are going to splits except for Grade 1 and Grade 8.

The government is "Putting Students First" though in case you haven't heard.

A teacher has to move schools 2 weeks into the year into a split grade that is new to him, while another one has to work .25 time at a different school and .75 in ours. We have to get to know our new students and catch up on their assessments and get-to-know-you activities in the following week which will put us behind approximately 2 weeks (while the kids we've had do what?). Now if that isn't "Putting Students First", I don't know what is.

Split grade teachers (and Special Ed teachers) do not get paid any more than a straight grade teacher and we don't get any more prep time even though we have to teach 2 curriculums and administer and grade 2 sets of assessments, and 2 sets of report card comments. At the same time. Who accepts a second workload under these conditions?

Keep on putting those students first McGuinty. 

Such a shame that children are being used as pawns in a media game that only tells one side of the story, forgetting to point out to those incapable of reading between the political lines here, the real situation - the actual issue: doing away with unions and collective bargaining. Anyone realize how much this is going to cost tax payers in legal fees when the government is taken to court by the unions? Think about that one.

The general consensus appears to be that teachers do not want to strike (who does that help? We have kids too.). Teachers are accepting of a pay freeze and acknowledge that we make a good salary. What teachers are not okay with is having our contract legislated by a democratic government who believes in the collective bargaining process.

I may have to brush up on my inferring skills. How again is this putting students first?

This %&*# exhausts me. The media disappoints me. This process is insulting. The negative energy created by Bill Wolf In Disguise does not put students first.

Select members of the public will say how selfish teachers are if we end up 'working to rule', how WE'RE not putting students first. To those people I would ask if they've ever heard the saying that sometimes in order to take care of others you have to first take care of yourself?
Or don't let anyone bully you?
Or stand up for what you believe in?

I am just too tired though. Because I've been working my ass off teaching my students and slaving away at night and on weekends because I put students first.

http://cherrywoodgrade5.blogspot.ca/2012/09/its-most-wonderful-time-of-year.htmlhttp://cherrywoodgrade5.blogspot.ca/2012/09/its-most-wonderful-time-of-year.html